uninvited guest

Had a couple of unexpected visitors this evening. One managed to make its own way out, the other took about an hour to coax out, with the aid of a tea towel and a cardboard box. I'm happy to report that it climbed out of the box and flew away.

I have a sneaky suspicion that we may have a roost in our roof. I don't mind at all, but I'd prefer them not to be flying around my living room. Last time, we had one in the bedroom and I nearly shit myself when it flew out from the curtains.

Anyway, I think I might give the local conservation guys a call, just to see what I should do if it happens again.

IT helpdesk

Oooh, this is so true! Internet Helpdesk

my body hates me :o(

I spent most of Monday throwing my guts up, yesterday I just felt yakky, weak and feeble but by evening I felt OK. However, I was rudely awoken at 3am today with a pain in my stomach like you would not believe. I've been glued to the throne ever since and I am not a happy bunny.

At least I've got my laptop ...

burnt offerings?

Why is it that those ‘instant’ barbeques never ever seem to light with only one match, like it claims on the packaging? They only ever seem to light a quarter of the coals, and you spend the next ten minutes pushing paper and bog roll through the grill to try to get the rest going.

Once it's ready, you can then proceed to cremate your food at leisure.

and now we know where it is...

Murgen has discovered the source of the offending smell. Ten days after Freya's raid on the fridge, Murgen had had enough and started pulling the house apart and finally found it. A piece of stewing steak wedged between two boxes. Peace, tranquility and fresh air has now returned to the house of Murgen :o)

stupid banks

I have had an account with a certain bank for the past 24 years, and I also have a mortgage with them. Last week, I went into the bank to open a second account with them, and the lady was very helpful.

However, she's just rung me to say that they need further information from me, my most recent P60 (no problem), birth certificate (no problem), 3 months wage slips (no problem). However, they also want to see my home phone bill. I said that the phone bill isn't in my name, it's in my estranged husband's name, and she told me that if that was the case, I couldn't open the account until the bill was put in my name. I told her that the gas and electricity bills were in my name but she said that it had to be the phone bill. What would have happened, then, if I didn't have a home telephone? I didn't have a home phone for about four years, so I would have been knackered then.

I think that this is really stupid. Having banked with them for 24 years, you'd think they knew who the hell I was, wouldn't you? It's not the lady's fault, she did say she'd get back onto the powers that be, to see if they'd accept my utility bills and driving licence instead.

Isn't bureacracy wonderful?

headbanging

No, not the stuff I used to do on the dancefloor of Jilly's in my misspent youth, but ouch! My head is really banging.

I had a headache yesterday at work and it got worse and worse, so I went to bed at about 10pm (after up-chucking my tea) and went out like a light. This morning, I woke up at 06.40 and the headache was still there, so now I'm right fed up with it. I've necked a couple of aspirin, so I hope it'll help, but I've got a bad feeling about this. I feel sick again, too. I want my bed :o(

Oh yeah, and my car is dead, so I've had to bring the bike into work again, and it's pissing down :o(

Bolton Iron Maiden reunion

As a Boltonian, and a rock music fan, I must hang my head in shame, because until I saw a mention on the Total Rock newsletter, I'd never heard of The Bolton Iron Maiden. I assumed that it must be an American covers band, but I clicked on it anyway, just out of interest, and I'm glad I did, cos I was wrong.

This band were performing under the name of Iron Maiden quite some time before the Iron Maiden we all know and love today, and as far as I can see, there is no link at all between the two bands. Sadly, the Bolton Iron Maiden split up after the death of their lead guitarist, Ian Boulton-Smith, and were never to be seen again...until now!

To mark the 30th anniversary of Ian's passing, the rest of the band have got back together to do a reunion gig and release a CD to raise money for Cancer Research UK and MacMillan Cancer Relief. I've had a listen to the sound clips on the website and I have to say that I love 'em! So I'll definitely be buying the CD, (but you can download tracks from the website too, at a measly 79p each) and I'm going to try to get to the Reunion Gig too, at the Soundhouse in Bolton on 23 June 2006. Oh yeah, and the current Iron Maiden have given their blessing to the project too.
Remember folks, this CD is for charity and the band aren't making any money from it at all, so anyone found copying it, or distributing it electronically without coughing up the dosh for the charities, is a total low down scrotebag and deserves to have the fleas of a thousand camels infest their crotch and their arms become too short to scratch it.

greenfingers

I've been out in the garden again. I didn't plan on doing any gardening, but whilst I was putting the bike away, I noticed that the ivy was fouling the garage door, so I thought I'd just get the secateurs and tidy it up.

So once I'd done that, I thought I'd tidy up the old lavender, cos it's on its last legs. When I'd done that, I thought I'd try to replant a bit of it and see if I can revive it. So whilst I was at it, I planted the sage, oregano and mint.

The garden is looking better and healthier now. All I need to do is persuade next door's dog to stop dropping his toys in my plant pots. See here.

Thinking of having breast implants?

Read here and think again.

and new words

Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some of the winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, yeah?
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

new definitions

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Stolen bikes alert

Two bikes were stolen from the Thumper Club stand at the BMF, near Peterborough, in the early hours of Saturday morning. Please can you keep an eye out for:

Honda SLR650, reg R29GBV, black with purple trim, Talon supermoto wheels, high level UFO mudguard. Another picture here























Yamaha XT600E, H81VYA, blue.
Picture here
Both stolen from the BMF site between midnight and 5.30am on Saturday 20th May.

If anyone should happen to see them, be offered them, or have any info please contact Cambridgeshire Police on 08454 564564.

And may the thieves' balls rot and drop off.

Purple Helmets

I'd just like to say a big thanks to Cooldrums for reminding me of the wonderful Purple Helmets. I've seen them perform several times, but nothing will ever beat that first experience, sitting on the grass on a hot summer's day, trying very very hard not to piss myself laughing.

If you've never seen them in action, keep a look out for them. I can give you my completely unbiased opinion that they truly are as funny as fuck. If you don't get to see them live, buy their video, it's well worth it.

I particularly like the mechanic's overalls. I think Hairy Steve should have a set like those, but of course I don't think we'd ever coax him into wearing overalls.

gas gas gas!

I'd love to know what the hell I ate that did that to my guts, but I pretty much managed to empty the Old Windmill last night. Sorry lads :o(

glad I'm not the only one

who isn't entirely sorry at the passing of Eric Forth. Recess Monkey has penned an obituary which sums him up quite succinctly, I think:

Oh Eric, now you have passed
How my thoughts turn
To the Private Members Bills
That didn’t

joined up Government

BikerGran has made a very good point today:

We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain...

but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration...?

Let sleeping Pikeys lie...

I posted this cos I like it. No other reason.

He's ever so cute when he's asleep :o)

dead Tory

So, Eric Forth has finally shuffled off this mortal coil.

I've enjoyed reading the tributes, mostly cos no-one has had the balls to say that he was a complete pain in the arse to anyone wanting to bring a Private Members' Bill. He would deliberately filibuster in order to make debates run out of time, so that the law could not progress. It was entirely down to him that the first Fireworks Bill failed, and I was so bloody annoyed that I felt like going down to Westminster solely to slap him round the chops.

However, to his credit, he did have an excellent sense of timing. As Guido Fawkes points out:

"It was only a week or two ago that Eric Forth, when Ming stood up to ask the PM a question about the pensions crisis, boomed "Declare your interest!". The House of Commons collapsed into laughter. Ming was deflated and unable to recover from the well-timed interjection."

Happy Birthday Ferritt!

Another day older...

Bread is Dangerous - ban it now!

Kingdom of Madness reveals all : http://matneym.blogspot.com/2006/05/bread-is-dangerous.html

Oh yeah, and Hi Mike! Hope things are going well for you, hope to see you back in the UK if the next Magnumania gets up and running :o)

fiddling wiv meself again

I just spent the past two hours practicing on the fiddle. My arms are killing me. I really ought to practice for half an hour a day, instead of binge-practicing (no playing for a week and then 2 hours in one go).

Ouch!

My mate Clare, from the gym, has had problems with her mouth since being a baby, so she is always extra careful when sparring. She wears a head guard and a gum shield and has learned duck out of the way pretty quickly when someone aims one at her head.

Sadly, her skills didn't help her much at work the other day. She's a nursery nurse. One of the little shits darlings headbutted her and broke two of her front teeth. She's not a happy bunny.

Tough luck Clare, hon. Hope you feel better soon.

feeling shite :o(

My old friend tonsillitis has decided to pay a visit and I feel like shite. My throat is red raw, my neck feels like it's in a vice and I've got a headache, although that could be something to do with not getting home until 2am after being stuck in bloody roadworks on the M6 last night.

Tonight, I think I will be having an early night.

off to the NABD

If you're not going to the NABD Rally, then you're missing a damn fine weekend.

I'll be marshalling so I'm going today and coming home Monday, so behave yerselves whilst I'm gone. I, on the other hand, have no intention of behaving and no, I'm not gonna video it. You'll have to wait for the stills.

dramatic photo from Australian mine rescue

OK, just to be serious for a second, I'm really glad that the two miners got out safely, and my sincere condolences go to the family and friends of the chap that didn't make it.

the greatest action story ever told!

I have no idea what Bad Toad was looking for when he found this but it's as funny as feck!

body part theft

Shamelessly stolen from a forum I read:

While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.

It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.

The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and support tights

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My arse was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was brushing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Christmas turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs .. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

another dig at Prezza

Whyis John Prescott like an MFI flatpack?

A couple of screws in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls to pieces

petrol prices

This amused me. Not because of the song, but because of the irony that it comes from the USA, where petrol is obscenely cheap compared to the UK, owing to the fact that the US Government doesn't give a damn about global warming, so long as the US citizens are fulfilling their 'American Dream'.

Hey, Jochan, do you get a staff discount?

dog philosophy

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

we know what it is, we know who it is...

but for god's sake tell us where it is!

Dear oh dear, Freya is in trouble.

I went round last night and as Sue opened the door, she gave me a look and said "yes, I know there's a smell, Freya's done a raid."

I should explain that Freya is my mate's beautiful alsation. She's drop dead gorgeous and is anyone's for a biscuit. Mike got her from a dogs' home and she was in a terrible state, practically starving. It's taken him years to turn her into the lovely dog she is now. Previously, she had to forage for her own food and steal what she could. Although she has no need to do this now, occasionally she has a mad moment and goes on a raid. This time it was the fridge.

They found the lamb chops in the middle of the record collection. Other items have been found under cushions and hidden in corners. They thought they'd found all of the stuff, but then the 'smell' started. They've hunted everywhere but they can't find the offending item, and Freya is stubbornly refusing to co-operate.

In the meantime, she has eaten one of her toys, and is currently shitting red and blue bits. Mike said "that is NOT my dog", and hung his head in shame.

On the good side, the vet has now decided that she is up to a normal weight. She should be, after that last raid!

I'm Spartacus!

I make no secret of the fact that I don't like kids. 'orrible little things with a noise at one end and a bad smell at the other. However, I have to admit that one little squeaker just cheered me up.

My neighbour's two year-old marched up to me, tapped himself on the chest and announced "I'm Spartacus!" with a big grin on his face, giggled like a good 'un and ran off again. That made I larf, that did.

rip off Britain?

I got a letter from my energy provider yesterday, informing me that they were putting my cominbed gas/electricity bill up from £60 per month to £93 per month. I checked on my online account and it said I am £139.40 in credit.

Their letter claims that it's OK for them to put up the bill when someone is in credit, because people need to build up credit to cover the winter months when people use more energy. Sorry? Haven't we just come to the end of winter? If I'm in credit at the end of winter and they put the bill up, surely I'll be in even more credit and they'll have to refund me?

I think this is a swizz. They're taking more money than I can afford to pay, when I don't owe it, and they're getting the benefit of a free loan from me.

I wanted to talk to someone about it, but their call centre is available only from 08:45 to 16:45 Monday to Friday, when I am at work. Most people aren't free to phone from work, so they are effectively cutting off communication to those of us who work full time.

I have, of course, sent them a suitably snotty e-mail.

I know that gas prices have risen, but surely they can't justify a 50% increase in the bill? Or have I missed something?

another one for the language buffs...

Thanks to a friend on the OU who spotted this one:

"A parent with a child at private school received a letter from said school, stating that, unfortunately, due to costs etc, the fees were being increased to such-and-such an amount per anum (sic).
The parent in question apparently replied to the effect that, if they didn't mind, he/she would continue to pay through the nose as usual!"

British Justice?

It's no wonder our society is going down the pan, when criminals get away scot-free. This pillock should be rotting in jail.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/s/212/212525_anger_as_road_menace_avoids_jail.html

More food

I'm just embarking on a little experiment in the kitchen. If it all goes to plan, in about 15 minutes time, I will be dining on tagliatelli with creme fraiche, smoked salmon, leek and mushroom.

If it doesn't go to plan, I'll be eating toast.

It never ends...

No matter how much I tidy up in this house, the mess just seems to get worse. How, in the space of only one day, can the washing-up multiply to the amount produced in a small restaurant? I didn't have any wine last night, so why are there 5 dirty wine glasses and 2 tall glasses with suspicious brown stain in the bottom? Why are there 6 dirty plates? How the hell have we used 14 knives but only 4 forks?

As for the suitcase on the sofa and the clothes strewn all over the living room floor... well, what can I say. He came home from conference on Wednesday, he's had two days off work and despite the fact he claims to have 'sorted some things out', this house is the worst I have ever seen it. The dining table has disappeared again too. Not bad since it was utterly clear on Wednesday.

I'm pissed off with tidying. I think I'm just gonna buy a load of bin bags. I wonder if I can stick him in one? Will the bin men take him away? I doubt it.

Food review - Heinz Weightwatchers Chicken Noodle Soup

Tastes like the water left over after boiling cabbage, adding pepper didn't help. Didn't find any chicken in it. Only ate it because I had nothing else available. Won't be buying it again, I'll stick to my homemade. At least that has chicken in it.

Urgent! BMW Product Recall

Thanks to Excalibur for bringing this to my attention

Get Freecycling!

What a bloody good idea! Got a load of stuff you no longer want? Can't be bothered having a car boot sale, or listing it on eBay? Why not just give it away to someone in your area, free, gratis and fer nowt?

http://uk.freecycle.org/

Congratulations...

to Isla on getting a new job. Good luck missus!