Bread

Last year, the lovely Ug gave me a breadmaker. He'd never really got on with it, so I thought I'd give it a go. The first couple of loaves were an absolute disaster but, for the past six months or so, I've enjoyed lovely fresh preservative-free bread.

Today, being absolutely starving mad hungry and not prepared to wait the three hours to make a loaf, I went to the supermarket and bought a small white loaf. When I tried to slice it, the loaf just squashed under my hands and wouldn't cut, so I thought 'buggerit' and got my little electrical slicer out - one of those with a circular blade - great for slicing fingers off. However, the loaf still deformed and I ended up with a strange-shaped slice.

Having managed to cut a couple of slices, I tried to spread the butter on it, and the bread just ripped, even though the butter was soft and I was being really gentle. The bread was all squidgy and soggy and really unappealing. Still, I was hungry and persevered. I wish I hadn't bothered. The bread was gooey and tasteless and before I'd even finished eating the slice, I felt quite sick. I think I'll stick to home-made, if that's the best the supermarket can manage. The birds will have a bit of extra food today, because I have no intention of eating any more of that revolting loaf, but I wonder if they'll be able to take off after eating it.

Bleugh.