23 June 2008

Hayfever is hell

I am right fed up. Why is it, that the one thing that I know will relieve my hayfever, is the one thing that my GP will no longer prescribe? Kenalog's licence has been withdrawn in the UK for treatment of allergies. My new GP described its use as 'using a sledgehammer to crack a nut'. Apparently it can cause osteoporosis with 'frequent and prolongued' use. Although I have argued that once is year is hardly 'frequent', none of my 3 most recent GPs have agreed to administer it, which I think is incredibly inhumane.

Let me tell you about my hayfever. In fact, no, you can experience it for yourself, with these simple steps.

First, take a pencil and shove the blunt end up one nostril until it starts to poke out your eyeball. Then, using a sealant gun, fill up the other nostril with silicone. Next, take a handful of itching powder and carefully rub into each eye, until you want to tear off your eyelids. Now your eyes should be streaming constantly, with pale green goo dribbling down your face 24/7. When you awake in the morning, your face will be stuck to the pillow, and you have to carefully peel off the congealed and crusty goo before stumbling blindly towards the bathroom to use a sponge to mop off the rest. This feels like you are sandpapering your face. As you pick off the crusty coating on your eyelids, you grimace at being able to see the devastation that is your face. As you move your lips, they crack and sting. Great!

Now you're a bit more awake, let's really get going. Do you have any cleaning fluids in the bathroom? Have a good gargle until you strip the lining out of your throat. Your throat should now itch like hell and any attempt to quell it (including drinking water) will result in pain. Are you getting the idea?

Once you've picked all of the goo out of your eyes and almost stopped coughing (which can occasionally result in vomiting), you're ready to get dressed. Take a bog roll into the bedroom with you, you'll need it to mop up the results of the constant sneezing that you will experience for the rest of the day. Don't forget to take your hayfever tablets, eye drops, throat spray and nasal spray. You may need a holdall to carry it all. Remember to take the bog roll into the car with you, for your journey to work.

When you get to work, go into the bathroom and wash your face, and spend another five minutes picking the pale green goo out of your eyes again. Your face will now look as though you've been punched several times, and you'll feel like it too.

Sitting at your desk isn't so bad, really. You'll still sneeze a bit, and your nose will still be completely blocked, but so long as you keep the windows shut, you should be able to get away with only having to wash your face every half hour or so, not forgetting to apply vaseline to your lips every time to stop them cracking and bleeding even more than they are already doing.

Hometime! Grab your bog roll and head for the car. As soon as the sunlight hits your eyes, expect another sneezing fit of epic proportions. Use the bog roll to clean the snot off your steering wheel and windscreen.

Weekend! Yay! Weekends are great. You can relax for at least 2 minutes, until you realise that every one of your neighbours is mowing the lawn at the same time. They think you're weird because, even on the hottest days, you have to have every window and door fastened tightly shut. Every time they see you, you are clutching a bog roll, and they wonder if it's some sort of fetish.

Meeting new people is always interesting too. They like to tell you all their patent remedies for hayfever. Yes, I know that local honey is supposed to be good, as is elderflower tea. No, I will not put vaseline up my nose - that not only feels disgusting, but my nose is blocked enough as it is, without stuffing another pollen-trap up there. Yes, I know you can get hayfever tablets in the pound shop, but when you need the equivalent of two packets a day, it really isn't much value for money. The prescription-only tablets that I get are supposed to be an adult dose of 180mg per day. I am on 540mg (180mg three times a day), which just about allows me to function enough to eat, work and sleep. The nasal decongestant is quite good most of the time. However, sometimes it's hard to actually get the spray to where it is needed because it hits the barrier of goo up the nose and just dribbles straight back out again. If you are unfortunate enough to inhale whilst spraying it, it goes down the back of your throat, which not only tastes disgusting, but dries out the throat too. The eye drops are also quite good for washing out the eyes, but they tend to leave crusty bits on the eyelashes, which are itchy and not pretty.

I don't care what everyone recommends for hayfever, it never works. I know what worked for me, and it's the one thing that I am not permitted to have.

Roll on Autumn!

1 comment:

Paul said...


First visit to your blog - very entertaining rants!

Aaah, the joys of hayfever. I find that one of those old fashioned diving suits is the best remedy. A bit difficult to explain why you're wearing it as they cart you off to the Asylum, but, hey-ho!

Apparently, when you sneeze, snot comes down your nose at 100mph. Theoretically, if someone was stood halfway up your nasal passage they could be killed by snot. Imagine the headlines!

See you and Spike soon at a moot near you.