Sorry, no kids

Thanks to Ferritt for bringing my attention to this news story about a couple who have complained after the vicar at their wedding asked for their noisy child to be removed from the church because he was disrupting the ceremony.

So, should be kids be banned from weddings? Well, of course that should be down to the bride and groom, and there's plenty of people who will say that of course kids should be there to join in the celebrations.

Let me put the other point of view. I have been to many events, not just weddings, where kids have run riot in church and at receptions and parties. They get under your feet, they're noisy and often a complete and utter pain in the arse, skidding around on their knees and screaming. My own wedding dress was ripped, because of a kid jumping up and down on the train because he thought it was funny to try to make me fall over. Believe me, I was not impressed. My mum didn't spend £500 on a beautiful silk dress just so some brat could wreck it within hours.

Then there's the kids in pubs. Oh how I could go on about that for hours. When I go to a pub, it's because I want to have a drink with my friends, not because I want someone else's brat screaming in my ear and crawling around under the table. Pubs are not places for kids to play. Yes, there are some pubs which do cater especially for kids, giving them fantastic play areas, and I have no problem at all with that, so long as the kids stay in the play areas and don't think that it's OK to play around my feet. Indeed, the sure-fire way of guaranteeing I would not go in a pub, is when it has a big sign outside reading 'Wacky Warehouse' or something similar.

So, you may think that I really hate kids, but you'd be wrong. It's irresponsible parents that I hate. If your kid is being a pain in the arse, don't just let them annoy everyone else, sort them out! Don't wait for someone to tell you that your kid is a nuisance, you should be intelligent enough to spot that for yourself.

I once told off a small child for banging the telephone receiver up and down on top of my television set, and the mother said "Don't you tell off my child, he's only being a little tinker". Through gritted teeth, I replied "He might only be a little tinker, but if he breaks either the telephone or the television, YOU will be buying me a new one". Funnily enough, she decided to deal with him pretty quickly after that. It wasn't the kid's fault - he'd never been told what was, and was not acceptable behaviour. On completely the opposite tack, Smurf once threw someone out of our house because he over-disciplined his child. He hit her so hard he knocked her off her feet. She wasn't hurt, but that wasn't the point. If you can't teach and discipline your children without resorting to violence, then you need to seek help. Best of all, just don't have kids.