Earth movement?

Never mind bloody earth movement, I nearly had a bowel movement!

5.3 on the Richter Scale, 0 on the Smurf scale. Yep, apparently he slept right through it, but this is hardly surprising for a man who slept through a fire alarm at the TT....

How do you define fat?

There seems to be so many ways now, of people telling us that we're fat, obese, whatever, but which way is the best?

According to Diabetes UK, if you are a woman and your waist is larger than 31.5", or a man with a waist of over 37" then you are at risk of diabetes. That's me fucked then - my waist is 38", or 36" when I lay off eating bread (and no, I'm not gluten intolerant).

When I was about 20 years old, my waist was 34" and people used to say to me "Oh my God! You're too skinny, are you anorexic?" How come? Well, I'm 5'11" tall for a start. 34" was actually about right for me. If my waist was as low as 31.5", given my build, I think my dad would start to panic that I was seriously ill, just like he did when I was in my mid to late teens.

How can an organisation make a sweeping generalisation such as waist size to determine someone's health? If I were 4'11" then yes, I might be worried if my waist was over 31.5", but at 5'11", then it's a different matter.

OK, so I am ignoring the waist size thing. How about BMI? Well, yes, I'm in the overweight category at 28.7, but how much of my weight is owing to muscle and how much is owing to fat? According to my body fat report, I score 29% - the 'healthy range' is from 21 to 33. So, one report says I'm obese, one says I'm borderline overweight and another says I'm healthy.

Great, so who is right? Should I be paranoid, or satisfied? Actually, I'm neither. I'm not happy. I've tried to lose weight for the past 5 years or so, with no success. I don't eat much junk food, although I admit to scoffing a bag of pork scratchings, a bag of crisps and half a box of After Eight mints at the weekend, but hell, once in a while you've got to let go, haven't you? According to my food diary, I have been eating fewer than 1400 calories per day for the past 8 months (the recommended guideline is 2,000 for women and 2,500 for men) , and I have lost a whole 2lbs. I exercise more, eat less and my weight doesn't change.

I give up.

I'd just like to say...

that I really couldn't give a shit about the Oscars, or 'Arsekars' as they now appear to pronounce them.

I couldn't give a stuff what fashion disasters people are wearing this year, nor could I give a stuff about whose party is the best, or which luvvie wants to thank his or her mother, dog walker or toilet seat-warmer.

It's all self-congratulatory bollocks. Get a life and stop clogging up the news reports with it. It's not news, it's boring and tacky and I have better things to do than listen to or watch it.

School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes azombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has adisability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affairwith the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuitagainst state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpertrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.