Britain's First Photo Album

Broadcaster, John Sergeant recently visited Bolton's Market Place whilst filming a new series entitled 'Britain's First Photo Album'.

According to the Bolton News, he said "Bolton Market Place is lovely; structures like this in other parts have been destroyed.  In any normal high street all the shops are exactly the same, what makes Bolton different is the structure, the architecture, and we have to hold on to this space."

What a shame then, that he didn't come to see it before its heart and soul was ripped out a few years ago and turned from this:

to this:

Bolton Market Place used to be a thriving shopping place, busy at any time of the day.  Now it's mostly used as a cut-through for people wanting to stay out of the rain.  They have ruined it.  They took a wonderful, unique market with many fantastic stalls, told the traders to get out, and turned it into a stone and glass monstrosity with a huge empty space in the middle; a clone of any other modern shopping mall in the country.  Half of the shop units are empty and Bolton has lost a beautiful and useful asset.  Congratulations.

Texts sent to householders to encourage recycling

Which idiot came up with this money-wasting idea?

Millions of people across the country are losing their jobs, and the Government wants to spend a fortune on sending pointless text messages to people to thank them for recycling, or to remind them to put their bins out.  If I got one of those messages, I would be very very annoyed.  If they want to save some money, I suggest they sack the waste of space who dreamed up this ridiculous scheme.

Perhaps they also want to text parents to remind them to take their kids to school, or employees to remind them to go to work?

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Why do clothing manufacturers insist on making their labels from the scratchiest possible material?  You sit there, getting irritated by the damn things until you resort to cutting them off and then hope for the best that you have the right settings when you come to put a wash on.  Yes, Regatta, I'm looking at you here!

Next time...

What is it with TV programme makers that they have to go and spoil everything by wasting five minutes at the end of each programme telling us what will happen in the next episode?  I don't want to know!  I'll watch the next episode to find out, so don't ruin the surprise for me now.  Doctor Who and Torchwood are the worst culprits at the moment.  Why give away most of the plot for the series at the end of the first episode? 

Of course it could be worse.  Some of the commercial stations have programmes that spend the first five minutes telling you what you're about to see, then they show it to you, then then spend five minutes reminding you what you've just seen and then spend five more minutes telling you what you will see after the advertisement break.  Then you get what feels like quarter of an hour of adverts, and then the programme resumes by telling you what you saw before the break, what you're about to see in the next section and what you're going to see later on in the programme.  I bet if you stripped out all of the repetitive material, there would only be ten minutes original stuff in the whole hour.  I can't believe companies actually pay for this crap.

When I was a kid, there was a TV programme called 'Why Don't You?' and the programme opened with "Why don't you just switch off your television set and go and do something less boring instead?"  I have been doing just that lately, and you know what?  I actually get things done instead of allowing my brain to turn to grey goo.  Great, isn't it?

and the Traffic Management of the Year Award goes to...

Manchester Airport (Terminal 1).

From the M56 link road, there are two lanes into the car park at Terminal 1. That's the pink line on this map. One lane goes into the drop-off point and the other into the main car park. Great idea. At least it was, until some wally decided to merge the two lanes right at the car park entrance, where a third lane joins (the grey line).

So, you have three lanes, all merging into a single lane within 25 yards of the entrance to the car park,and to make it even better, there are absolutely no signs anywhere on the two-lane slip road which tells you that this is going to happen, until you get to the end and see the white arrow painted on the road surface. The resulting single lane then gives you the option of taking the left-hand entrance to the drop-off point or the right-hand entrance to the car park. Genius!

Surely it would be far more sensible to mark the left lane as being for the drop-off point and the right lane for the car park (seeing as there are two separate entrances) and then you don't need merge the two lanes at all. Oh, sorry, that would be the sensible thing to do, wouldn't it?

Surfing Tommies

This evening, H and I went to see Surfing Tommies at Bury Met. I wasn't really sure what to expect, and from the description on the website, it didn't seem to be 'my thing', but I'm glad to say I was completely and utterly wrong.

I'm not going to tell you the story, because there's a summary on their website, but it made me laugh, it made me cry and it made me think. I was mightily impressed by the versatility of the actors, and by the clever use of the set. The whole production was superb.

I can highly recommend it, so if you live anywhere near where they're touring next, do go and see it. You won't be disappointed.

Please put the item in the bag!

Supermarket bosses have come up with this brilliant new idea to annoy their customers. Firstly, they introduce self-service tills, so that customers can scan and pack their own items without the inconvenience of having to interact with another human being. Then they reduce the number of open checkouts, so that the queues at the ones staffed by real people are horrendously long. The supermarket I visited this morning had only one proper checkout open. This 'encourages' the customers with few items to go to the self-service tills where it often takes them far longer to process their shopping than it would if they had waited in the queue at the other one.

How so? Well firstly, the machine yells at you in a very loud voice to "Please scan an item". So, you scan the item and before you even have chance to draw breath, it yells "Please put your item in the bag!", so you put it in the bag. However, the machine doesn't recognise the fact that you've done this and yells again "Please put your item in the bag! Please put your item in the bag! Please put your item in the bag!" until you take out the item and then put it back in again. Then it yells "Unexpected item in the bagging area, please remove the item." So you remove it and it yells at you again: "Please put your item in the bag!" So you do, and it yells "Please scan an item!"

You attempt to scan the next thing, but it doesn't recognise the bar code, so you faff around for ages to get it to scan and put it in the bag. Again, it yells "Please put your item in the bag!" - but you already have done, so it just carries on yelling at you until the assistant comes to tell the machine to shut up. By this time, you have completely lost your temper and have resorted to shouting obscenities at the machine which, being a machine, neither hears nor cares.

This morning, after such an experience, I asked the assistant if these self-service tills were just a way of avoiding having to employ more staff on the checkouts, and she told me that the staff at that supermarket hate them, and they wish that people would boycott them because they are more trouble than they are worth. They consider it a punishment if they are assigned to monitor the self-service tills because they are such a pain. I told her that if they could at least reduce the volume on the damn things, it would help, and she said that they used to be able to but the new software 'upgrade' removed that option. Great.

Arrests at Stonehenge summer solstice celebration

"About 20 people were arrested for minor drug offences during summer solstice celebrations at Stonehenge.

English Heritage said more than 18,000 revellers gathered at the prehistoric site in Wiltshire to witness the sunrise on the longest day of the year."

So that's about 0.001% of the people attending who were arrested. That's not a news story, that's just a headline to give a beautiful ceremony a bad name. Why can't people write nice headlines about these wonderful events?

Getting Spicy

Almost all recipes requiring the addition of dried spices give the measurements in teaspoons.

Why, then, do the manufacturers of those little jars of spices, not make the necks of those jars big enough to get a teaspoon in?

What a Lightmare!

Regular readers of my blog will be only too aware of my hatred of high-intensity headlamps and brake lights. So, I'm very pleased that someone has launched a campaign to highlight (pun intended) the problems that these retina-scorchers cause.

Go on over to Lightmare and sign the petition!

Is Audi the new Volvo?

For many years, Volvos were the cars to watch out for, particularly if you ride a motorbike. With their side-impact bars, airbags, ABS and other so-called safety devices, the drivers were shielded from reality, secure in the knowledge that if they had a crash, they would be safely cocooned in their padded cage.

I used to wonder if it was the case that bad drivers bought Volvos, or that previously reasonably-good drivers were lulled into crapness by all these devices designed to take the responsibility away from the driver.

However, given the standard of driving I've witnessed recently, I am now convinced that the Audi is the new car of choice for the crap driver. Almost every 'bad driving' incident I have seen in the past few months has involved a black Audi. Tailgating, speeding, running red lights, drivers using mobile phones, drivers not wearing seatbelts, driving up pavements because they can't be bothered to wait for the vehicle in front to turn right, taking up two parking bays in busy car parks because they are unable to park straight or overtaking motorbikes and pedal bikes and then turning across their path. The list is not exhaustive.

This morning's incident made me shudder. A bloke on a bicycle was approaching a pinch-point in the road. As he moved out to go through it, the driver of the black Audi in front of me decided he wasn't going to slow down to wait for the cyclist to go through, so he drove round the cyclist and pushed in front of him - with only about 6" longer than the car to spare. This forced the cyclist off the road and he had to stop, in order to avoid getting knocked off. The Audi driver sped off down the road without, I suspect, a backwards glance. The cyclist was clearly shaken.

Now this rant was supposed to be just about crap driving, but I've been told I also have to mention the over-dark tinted windows so you can't actually see the driver (and presumably so the driver can't see cyclists), the blinding LEDs which show you where the headlamps are, and the apparent failure of Audi to provide an off-switch for the foglamps or a functioning indicator switch. There is also my constant frustration at the inability of drivers to use a handbrake, preferring instead to keep their foot on the brake and blinding those behind them with their extra-high-intensity eye-level brake lights. Yes, I know some cars have electronic parking brakes. I hate those too, and so does everyone I know who has a car with one fitted.

I think it's about time we got rid of all of these devices and made drivers actually think and drive for themselves, and put the responsibility firmly back on to the driver, not the machine.

More linguistic grumbles

The bloke on the news said that Tommy Docherty has a very unique situation. 'Very unique'? Either it's unique or it's not!

On an amusing note, Eilish is collecting examples of the misuse of the word 'literally'. Here's a couple she's found so far:

Radio Scotland, 18 March: "My head literally began to spin at the thought of it".

Apparently George Osborne is "Literally cutting corners"

"Literally handbags at dawn"

"Stallone is literally about to explode"

Anyone got any more?

Daily chuckle

Every morning on my way into work, I see a man and his daughter walking to school with their cocker spaniel. Every time I see the spaniel, she has something in her mouth, and either man or daughter is trying to remove it. Yesterday it was a paper plate, this morning she was dragging a bin bag. Other days she has foraged plastic bottles, cans, crisp packets, broken umbrellas, popped footballs, a shoe and a pizza box.

I love that dog, she makes me laugh every time I see her. I don't know what's funniest, the happy look on her face as she finds something else to carry, or the exasperated look on the owners' faces as they try to extricate the latest 'find'. As soon as they've taken one thing away, the dog just picks up something else and looks ever so pleased with herself.

Personally, I think they should carry a plastic bag and let the dog pick up litter on the way home and, that way the route will gradually get tidier.

A forest of signs

As if our towns aren't cluttered up with enough crap, Bolton Council has now decided to look at renting out advertising space on lampposts. Great. Even more rubbish to distract and confuse motorists and make the place look like a complete and utter tip.

Two rants in one

First up, toothpaste tubes. They used to be made from metal, and you could fold the ends of them over as you used up the toothpaste, so that the remaining paste was kept at the nozzle end of the tube. These days, they're made from plastic, so once you've used more than half of the toothpaste, you have to constantly push the remainder up towards the end. However, it never stays there, it redistributes itself and you end up trying to mash the tube in order to get the blasted paste out. I hate these new tubes. I want the metal ones back, please!

Second up, the revolving doors at Morrison's Supermarket. Have they deliberately set these doors to revolving so slowly that you have the urge to smash them down, or is that just me? You always end up getting some impatient person (me) tutting and whining about them because they're impeding my progress to the Crabbies aisle, whilst someone else, who isn't paying attention, sets off the sensor at the back of the doors, stopping them altogether. Sometimes you get 25 people all trying to cram into the space at the same time, and at others you get a tailback because people don't want to stand in the space with anyone else. Why do they need revolving doors anyway? What's wrong with sliding doors like everywhere else?

Today is 'Drive Like a Dick' Day

This morning saw some of the worst driving I've seen in quite some time on my daily commute. Three cars completely ignored the red traffic light at the end of my road, as did a cyclist; two cars ignored the fact that it was my right of way at one of the chicanes and didn't even dare to look at me as they drove past, their stares fixed firmly ahead, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. The 30mph maximum speed limit appears to have been re-assigned as a minimum speed limit and I have given up counting the number of people I see driving whilst using a mobile phone.

However, the best has got to be the teenage dickhead in the knackered white Fiesta who zoomed up behind me and then gesticulated angrily as I slowed down to 20mph (as per the speed limit sign) by the kiddies' play area in Chew Moor. Not happy with this delay to his journey, he then proceeded to overtake me in what sounded like first gear, despite the fact that I was overtaking parked cars on this already narrow road. He drove up onto the pavement and then bumped back down again, swerving to the left in order to avoid the oncoming bus and nearly hitting a parked car in the process. He then got held up by the three cars in front of me, who were also observing the 20mph limit. When we came to the blind left-hand bend, he decided to overtake those three cars too, and narrowly missed another oncoming vehicle. Not deterred, he then put his foot down and almost got the car on two wheels through the chicane. He decided not to go through the width restriction at Lostock Station and chose to take the other route. Imagine how pissed off he must have been when he got to the Beaumont Road traffic lights, then, to find himself behind me once again. I must admit, I did snigger just a little.

Pronunciation Rant

Right you lot, I'm fed up with you misusing and mispronouncing words and some of them really really annoy me. Let's start with this one: 'masseuse'. The word comes from the French 'masser' - to massage.

Firstly, please stop referring to a 'male masseuse'. A 'masseuse' has to be, by definition, a woman. The male version of the word is 'masseur'. Got that?

Now, can you pronounce the word 'masseur'? It's a bit like 'mass' and 'err', put together. Try it. I bet you knew that already.

OK, so let's try the other one, 'masseuse'. No, it's not 'mass - oose', that's an American term for 'I can't speak French so I'll make something up'), it's pronounced 'mass -errs', or in the IPA: ma-sœz.If you insist on using French words in your speech, at least make the effort to learn the correct pronunciation so you don't sound like a tit.

Psychic news reporting

The Manchester Evening News has reported on an event which hasn't actually started yet. Perhaps it should report on its secret time-travelling device instead?

Crap TV

I keep seeing polls on various websites asking whom I think should win 'I'm a Celebrity' or Crap Factor.

There's always one option missing: 'I couldn't give a rat's arse because I wouldn't defile my television with that pile of crapola.'

Crap Factor is just karaoke, and "I'm a Celebrity' should be renamed 'I'm a Nobody Whose Career is Flagging so I'll Do Anything to Get on TV'.

WEEE!

Why do retailers of 'white goods' always announce "and we'll even take away your old one for free!" as though it's some sort of special deal?

They're legally required to do this under the Waste Electrical and Electronic Equipment Directive.

Cleaning up other people's mess

On Saturday morning, I joined the Friends of Eatock Lodge in a litter-pick. The main things we retrieved were drinks cans, bread wrappers and bags full of dog crap.

So, if you're one of those who drinks in the park, why can't you chuck your cans in one of the five litterbins? There's one at each entrance to the lodge, so you can do it on your way home.

If you care enough to go to feed the ducks, why do you then leave the plastic wrapper behind? Ducks don't like eating plastic. Same as above - stick it in the bin!

As for those who leave bags of dog crap behind, you are just scum. Stick it in the bloody bin! Think about it, you brainless idiots! By bagging it and then chucking the bag in the bushes, you have turned something that would have washed away in a few days, into something which will take months to even begin biodegrading. It'd be better if you just chucked the crap into the bushes without bagging it, if you're too bone idle to put it in the bins which you have to walk past on your way out of the park anyway.

Oh just let me ride my bike!

OK, spur of the moment, I decided to go out on the bike, so I went to move the van, but it wouldn't start. After some messing I managed to shift it.

Then the boss rang, wanting train tickets booked. So I sorted that out and eventually got out on the bike and went for petrol, but the queues were horrendous, and the idiot in front of me decided to do her makeup before setting off. The pay at pump facility wasn't working and queue inside the kiosk was awful, and it eventually took me 15 mins to pay up and go.

Then I joined the queue for the air supply. The other people took ages and when it was eventually my turn, I discovered why - the compressor wasn't working properly and was on a go slow.

So, an hour after I set off, I have done a grand total of 7 miles and stopped for a drink. Buggerit.
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Saturday live

One thing that drives me nuts every Saturday morning, is the opening to the Radio 4 programme 'Saturday Live'.

Apart from the pointless music intro, it's an audio montage of 2-second clips from items in the programme which is probably aimed at enthusing you about the contents. Well sorry, but all it makes me want to do is throw the radio through the window. It's the audio equivalent of puréeing a salad to make it look more tasty.

Oh how I miss John Peel and his 'Home Truths'.
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Where does the time go?

Oh my blog, how I have neglected you. So many things to do and so little time in which to do them.

I've promised to do a car boot sale on Sunday, and have approximately 1 hour free over the next couple of days in which to sort out the stuff to take. I did try to set aside a couple of boxes a while ago, but never quite got around to filling them, so my house is still full of junk.

A warning to those who have iPhones

At the weekend, my friend's iPhone was stolen from her tent whilst she slept. It would appear that hers was not the only one to go missing that night, we know of at least three others, and the thieves only took iPhones.

The Police told her that there is an application (app) which uses bluetooth to pinpoint the location of other iPhones, and that thieves are using it in order to steal them. In her case, the thieves have now bagged themselves a very expensive brick, because she had the phone blocked as soon as she discovered it was missing.

So, if you have an iPhone, turn off the bluetooth whenever you're not using it.

I hate the milkman

Why did he swap his nice quiet electric milk float for the noisy horrible diesel thing that wakes up the whole street at 5.30am? Grrr.
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Parents - grrrr!

Why is it that some parents think it's OK to allow their children to wander around in restaurants?

I'm sitting in a lovely Chinese restaurant and there's a family sitting at a nearby table, engrossed in conversation whilst their kids are walking around the other tables, annoying people.

When I was a child, I wasn't allowed to leave the table without permission and, even then, it was only to go to the loo.

These parents seem oblivious to the fact that their kids are elsewhere. It's not the kids who are ill-mannered, it's their parents.

I did supress a giggle when one of the kids was waving his arms around and smacked his elbow hard on a table, ran back to his parents who completely ignored him. Still, they've been ignoring him all evening, so why bother now? Poor kid.
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Time to go back to basics?

My first car was a Vauxhall Chevette and I loved it. If anything went wrong, I could fix it myself. Under the bonnet, all the various bits were easily recognisable, you could get at everything without having to dismantle the entire vehicle and parts were readily available at a reasonable price.

Over the years, automotive technology has advanced to the point where when I lift the bonnet, I can see where the oil and coolant goes, but most of the other stuff is well-hidden and shoe-horned in to spaces that even a mouse would have difficulty accessing.

When I take my car to the garage for a service, they attach it to a computer, which tells them which bits need tweeking or replacing. The car has lots of clever electronic gazoobies which manage the engine and braking, and the throttle cable is a thing of the past. We now have all of these lovely things which make our cars 'better', even if they cost a small fortune to replace when they go wrong.

I always said that the more bits you add, the more there is to go wrong, and go wrong they do, and it's always expensive.

Today, Toyota has announced that it may be recalling 300,000 vehicles because of a problem with the anti-lock braking system, which appears not to work on icy or bumpy roads (that's the UK knackered then!). They've already recalled thousands because of a problem with sticking throttles.

Perhaps we need to go back to basics, get rid of the fancy devices and just give us something that works.

The first step should be to ensure that all of the bulbs can be replaced by the driver, at the roadside, with no tools and in under 2 minutes. I laughed at my friend when he eventually called the AA to change a headlamp, until I saw that you actually need to be a 4-stone contortionist to get at it. It took the AA man half an hour to do it. The next time a bulb went, my friend took the car to the garage where they put it on a ramp to change it. What a crap design!
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Time to go back to basics?

My first car was a Vauxhall Chevette and I loved it. If anything went wrong, I could fix it myself. Under the bonnet, all the various bits were easily recognisable, you could get at everything without having to dismantle the entire vehicle and parts were readily available at a reasonable price.

Over the years, automotive technology has advanced to the point where when I lift the bonnet, I can see where the oil and coolant goes, but most of the other stuff is well-hidden and shoe-horned in to spaces that even a mouse would have difficulty accessing.

When I take my car to the garage for a service, they attach it to a computer, which tells them which bits need tweeking or replacing. The car has lots of clever electronic gazoobies which manage the engine and breaking, and the throttle cable is a thing of the past. We now have all of these lovely things which make our cars 'better', even if they cost a small fortune to replace when they go wrong.

I always said that the more bits you add, the more there is to go wrong, and go wrong they do, and it's always expensive.

Today, Toyota has announced that it may be recalling 300,000 vehicles because of a problem with the anti-lock braking system, which appears not to work on icy or bumpy roads (that's the UK knackered then!). They've already recalled thousands because of a problem with sticking throttles.

Perhaps we need to go back to basics, get rid of the fancy devices and just give us something that works.

The first step should be to ensure that all of the bulbs can be replaced by the driver, at the roadside, with no tools and in under 2 minutes. I laughed at my friend when he eventually called the AA to change a headlamp, until I saw that you actually need to be a 4-stone contortionist to get at it. It took the AA man half an hour to do it. The next time a bulb went, my friend took the car to the garage where they put it on a ramp to change it. What a crap design!
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I don't believe it!

It seems that Ridley Scott is making a new Robin Hood film. So that will be the 16th remake. Can't these Directors come up with something original? Obviously not, otherwise they'd stop ripping off other people's films.

Think up something new, you lazy buggers!

Sore finger

On Monday and Tuesday, my index finger was itching enough to drive me to distraction. I ended up biting it, to try to stop it. On Wednesday it hurt like hell. Since Thursday, every time I've touched something cold, my finger has gone blue or white. The tip of that finger is cold whilst the rest of my digits are warm, and it's really doing my head in now.

Anyone got any idea what's going on?

Angry Mob

http://www.angrymob.uponnothing.co.uk/

Enjoy!

Sorry, until the next time.

I can believe what I just heard on the news. Arsene Wenger believes that disgraced footballer Marlon King should be given a second chance and be permitted to continue his career after he has served his prison sentence for assaulting a woman in a nightclub, as long as he's sorry for what he did.

Second chance? Doesn't he mean 14th chance? Given that he has 13 previous convictions, including one for violence against women, I suspect the only thing he'll be sorry about is any potential loss of income. It's his wife and kids that I feel sorry for.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premier_league/wigan/article6897462.ece
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The rising cost of food

I very rarely shop for food in the supermarkets because my local market is superb in terms of range, quality and value for money.

However, the other day, I decided that, seeing as I was going into the supermarket for soap powder, I may as well buy the food for that day's tea in there too. When I got to the checkout, I nearly had a heart-attack at the cost. £28 for just a couple of items! Now I could understand it if I'd bought luxury items, but I hadn't - just bog-standard ordinary stuff (and no alcohol). The cost of one night's meal was more than I'd normally spend for a week's worth of food on the market.

It made me think about what we buy, where we buy it and why. I receive e-newsletters from a couple of supermarkets, and I looked at the items on 'special offer'. Let's compare some prices:

A 1kg (2.2lbs) bag of potatoes for £1.29 in the supermarket. On the market, it's less than £1 for 5lbs of the same spuds - double the amount.
Mushrooms for nearly £1.50 for ¼lb, when it's about £1.10p for 1lb on the market.
I can buy a week's worth of veg on the market for about £7, and my weekly shop includes potatoes, onions, carrots, mushrooms, cauliflower, broccoli, garlic, celery, peppers, swede and, in winter, 1lb of 'pot herbs' (mixed chopped veg suitable for stews), because I'm lazy. For a further £1, I can buy 6 apples on the market. There's no way that I could get so much good quality food for so little cost in the supermarket.

Then there's the meat. 2 lamb loin chops in the supermarket for £3.84, yet I can get 4 for a fiver on the market. Nearly £7 for 5 chicken breasts in the supermarket (£1.40 each), yet I bought 26 chicken breasts for £20 on the market (77p each). Last week I bought 2 fresh tuna steaks, 2 salmon fillet pieces and 2 large bass for less than a tenner. In the supermarket, it's nearly twice that.

Not only is our local market good value for money, but the range of fresh products is far superior to any of the supermarkets.

I'm not just picking on one supermarket either, within close distance of my home and workplace, there's Aldi, Lidl, Tesco, Morrisons, Asda and Sainsbury's, and I've shopped in all of them at one time or another.

So, why do people choose to shop in supermarkets? Well, some people don't have a high quality local market within easy reach of their homes, but many do and simply can't be bothered to go and have a look. They'd rather drive to the big supermarket, buy all of their week's shopping in one place and pay through the nose for the priviledge. The annoying thing is, they'll probably chuck half of it away because they buy too much and then don't eat it until its 'poisonous on' date.

I'm blaming Punzie

Cos I'm drunk and it's all her fault. So there. Zzzz
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Salads 'rival Big Macs for fat'

Well, according to the BBC they do.  A survey by Which? magazine goes on to cite examples such as 'Marks and Spencer's Pasta with Tomato & Basil Chicken', Sainsbury's Thai Chicken Noodle and 'Sainsbury's Tomato & Basil Chicken'.

Excuse me?  These are pasta and noodle dishes, not salads. 

Most people equate 'salad' with plants (although the word 'salad' actually means 'mixture') and, therefore, I think this article is misleading.

This biased article will only serve to allow some people to normalise stuffing their faces with burgers whilst saying "it's no more fattening than salad".  They'll probably go on to blame Which? or the BBC for them being overweight.

Salad vegetables are low fat.  It's the other stuff you put with them, like dressings and mayonnaise that makes it fattening.  Eat a proper vegetable salad and, believe me, you won't be eating a lot of fat.

My mum got it right years ago.  She said that if you buy fresh food and don't live off food mixed and prepared in factories, you will have a healthier diet.  Stop buying convenience foods and learn how to prepare stuff yourself.  It's not difficult.

Drever, McCusker & Woomble

A great gig, spoiled only by the couple in front of me who, between them, managed to obscure 90% of my view of the stage. I ended up sitting with one arse cheek off the edge of the seat and my head on one side, just so I could see. I have backache now.

Eventually, I had to tell them to sit back in their seats. The woman, who was clearly bored witless, gave me a really dirty look, so I smiled and then sat back to hear "this is our last song, thank you".

Fortunately for me, the band did two more songs as an encore, so I actually managed to see and hear everything for three whole songs.

I was pleased that Chris Drever sang 'The Poorest Company' because I love that song. It's one I'm trying to learn.

John McCusker played a wonderful medley which raised the biggest cheer of the night. If I could play half as well as him, I'd be very chuffed indeed.

One thing that did make my night is that D, M & W have released their album on vinyl, so I had to buy one. Yes, some of us still prefer vinyl.

I'm home now and blogging from my bed, absolutely knackered. Night night everyone.
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Heidi Talbot & Boo Hewardine

It's the interval of a cracking gig at Bury Met. I came to see Drever, McCusker & Woomble (not that I hero-worship John McCusker at all...), but I'm seriously impressed with the support act, Heidi & Boo. Heidi has a beautiful voice & a lovely stage presence & I might just be buying her record. Yes, she has a 12" vinyl out - fantastic!
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Hayfever - the light at the end of the tunnel?

It's OK, I'm not going to repeat my annual whinges about hayfever in this post.  Oh no.  I think i may have found a solution.  My friend Claire suggested one of these .  It cost me £15 - about the cost of 2 prescriptions, so if it works, it'll be well worth the money.

OK, I have realised that I look a complete idiot whilst using it (think Arnie in Total Recall when he's taking the bug out of his head), but it does actually seem to be working.

Day One

I sneezed as soon as I put the thing in my nose, and continued to sneeze for a good minute afterwards.  It was a bit messy.  It also made my eyes stream to the point where the tears were dripping off my chin.  The pharmacist said that i would have to use it 4 times a day, and it really starts to take effect after about 3 days.

Day Two

My eyes are still streaming, and I'm still sneezing like mad when I use it.  However, I've not been sneezing as much in between times.

Day Three

I woke up at 5:30am, courtesy of the milkman and his noisy diesel-powered 'float'.  Although my eyes were a bit sticky, my nose wasn't bunged up at all.  I went back to sleep and woke up to the alarm clock at 6:45 - still not bunged up.

At 7:30am, I managed to use the device for 2½ minutes before sneezing.  This time, my eyes started watering towards the end of using it, rather than immediately, as before.  I was a little bunged up around 10am, but cleared it easily with a single Locket sweet.  Felt fine until dinner time.

12:10 - second use of the day.  No sneezing, no runny nose, no runny eyes.  Result?  Possibly.

They're all at it!

My garden is full of sparrows doing a bit of jiggy jiggy, and making a right racket too. Mrs Blackbird looks somewhat bemused.
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Hayfever

Seeing as this is an annual event, I thought I'd bump this one: Hayfever is Hell

Has anyone found a cure yet? I'm suffocating here!

Happy Birthday Cath!

I'm sitting in Cath's back garden, putting the world to rights :o). Ah, happy days. Well, evenings ;o)
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Sponsor Julie Hilling to raise money for Bolton Hospice!

My friend Julie will be taking part in Bolton Hospice's Midnight Memories walk on Saturday, to raise some much needed money to help to improve the quality of life for patients and the people close to them who face the problems associated with life-threatening disease.

It costs approximately £1.2m each year to provide the service and almost all of this has to be raised by the Hospice and its supporters, so even if you donate only £1.00, every little bit will help to keep this valuable service running.

Please, give 'em some money!

and there we have it

Only seconds after saying I had nothing to rant about, there was a knock at my door. Now, as it happens, I was sitting in the smallest room, reading. So, I broke off from my task to go & answer the door, only to find it was a young man with a clipboard, wanting to talk to the 'homeowner' but not selling anything. Honest. He was very polite, though, when I said "no thanks".

I tend to work on the theory that if someone comes to my door trying to sell me something I didn't know I wanted, then I probably don't want it.
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Mobile ranting

Now I've discovered how to rant from my mobile, I might get round to a few more posts.

So, what can I whinge about today? Well, apart from the builders repairing the roof at my office making enough noise to wake the dead, not a lot has happened, and I can't really blame the builders - there's a job to be done.

Ho hum. I wonder if I have time for a snooze before venturing off to the wilds of Blackrod?
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You know you're really tired when...

you throw your socks in the wardrobe & your shoes in the laundry basket.
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Possibly the most annoying advert ever

These kids really scare me.

What this advert says is "You've got grey hair so you've no chance of pulling a bird; you're a loser, with patronising brats".

Words cannot describe just how much I hate this advert.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z03SEPGC_EA

The Devil's Doctor

Thursday night saw the Pikey and me, Punzie, Og, Rook, Ali & Shoeless all traipsing out to Edge Hill University to see The Devil's Doctor - a play about the life of Paracelsus. It was particularly interesting for me, because I studied the History of Medcine for my GCSE History and it has always held a fascination for me.

I don't get to go to the theatre often, but I was glad that I saw this - it was one of the funniest plays I have ever seen. The actors were superb and interacted with the audience, and I was particularly impressed with the improvisation after a prop 'malfunction'. There was one point where I was laughing so much that I had difficulty in breathing. I'm sure I recognise the bloke playing Paracelsus, but I never did find out his name.

Oh yeah, and Og nicked one of their pens, after purchasing a stolen staff for 50p. He did whinge that he never got his 50p back, but as we pointed out, "buyer beware!". (Don't worry, he wasn't really upset ;o) )

It's on again next Saturday at Bury College, and I can highly recommend it. Not for little kids though.

Snow!

OK, so we've had a little snow. On 2 December 2008, our town was brought to a standstill because, although the council claims that all the roads were gritted, there was another snowfall after it had been done. It took me over an hour to travel quarter of a mile, before I gave up trying to get to work, and went home instead. To be honest, it's a good job that I did, because I came down with the flu (yes, not just a cold), and I couldn't walk properly for about 3 days.

Anyway, earlier this week, a few schools were closed here because of the snow which, at my estimation was about 3 inches deep. Apparently it was out of concern for the safety of the children. When I was a kid, the only time the school was closed in winter was when the central heating packed in. We had to walk the mile to school through snow, hail & wind and just get on with it. I remember on some days, the teachers even let us stay indoors at dinnertime, if we wanted to. So when did we become so soft? I guess it was when lawyers started telling people to sue others for their own stupidity/incompetence.

This morning, on the way into work, it was snowing lightly, but there were far fewer cars than usual. I guess people are either taking days off, or working from home. It made my journey nice and quick anyway.

So much to rant about, so little time

Believe me, I've not stopped ranting, it's just that I've not had a moment to spare recently. However, I feel a few minor rants coming on today...

Merry Christmas everyone

Having spent the last two months telling everyone "Buggeroff, it's not Christmas yet", I can now officially announce that it is, at last, Christmas.

You all have my permission to begin partying!

The Five Minute Nativity

Tracing the nativity back to its roots, the wonderful Professor Pierre O'Bollox has captured the essence of the story beautifully.

However, if you happen to be a God-botherer who is easily offended, don't bother going and reading it, you won't like it.

Click here to read the story

A matter of dedication

If Alistair Carmichael, MP for Orkney and Shetland, can manage to go back to his constituency almost every week, why can't Ruth Kelly be arsed to visit her Bolton constituency as often?

Mr. Carmichael has a 1,400 mile round trip each week by train, plane and sometimes by boat, whilst Ms. Kelly would only have to do 440.

I think it has something to do with dedication to your job, and an interest in the people you serve. Mr. Carmichael's constituents should be proud of him. He has the longest and most difficult journey home, but still manages it. Perhaps it's because he actually lives in Orkney, and not in London.

This BBC article is a very interesting insight into Mr. Carmichael's dedication to job. Read it and learn.

Are you missing out on religion?

Not for those who have had a sense of humour bypass.

Edith Appleton's diary

Edith Appleton was my friend Dick Robinson's Great Aunt. Born in 1877, the tenth of thirteen children, she went on to spend many years nursing, including five years service during WWI when she served on the front lines in France.

Edith's diary is a fascinating insight into the daily lives of the medical staff on the front lines, and how bravely these men and women dealt with the horrors of war.

There are some parts which made me smile, like Edith's joy at having a bath - something we all take for granted these days:

"I don’t fancy bathing in company, but as I have not sat in water deeper than 1 inch since last year the temptation to go is great."

"Up to our necks in water - glorious! The first time for months and months! A dear old nun came trotting in when I was in my bath, felt to see the water was right heat, thought the bath was too full and pulled the plug by a patent in the floor, I was sitting on the hole where the water runs away and was sucked hard into it!"

Edith was awarded several medals for her service, and photographs of them can be found on the website. There's a couple of medals that Dick cannot identify, so if anyone can help, please let him know - his contact details are on the site.

I am very pleased that Dick has published these diaries and I look forward to listening to him talk about them on Radio 4 this afternoon.

When 'voluntary' really means 'compulsory'

Some pubs in Aberdeen are introducing drug testing as a condition of entry. I don't have time right now to go into just how wrong I think that is (machine faults, prescription drugs, over-zealous Police etc.) but what has really angered me is this statement:

"The test is voluntary, but customers will be refused entry if they do not take part."

So what they're saying is that it is not voluntary at all, it is compulsory. Big brother would, undoubtedly, say "of course it's voluntary, you don't have to go into the pub if you don't want to take the test", but that's just playing semantics/pedantics. It is compulsory and an erosion of our civil liberties.

I can see what will happen; people will see the drug testing taking place and decide not to go into the pub. The Police will say "Oh look! Someone choosing not to go into the pub, they must be guilty, quick! Stop and search them!"

Something else will happen too, pubs will lose business. I don't take drugs, but there's no way I would go into any pub which wanted to test me. To insist on testing people is a presumtion of guilt, which goes against what this country's law is allegedly based upon, innocent until proven guilty.

How would the pubs like it if every customer demanded to test the strength/quality of their beer every single time they ordered a pint? After all, I've been in a few pubs where the beer tasted watered-down.

The curse of Pipex

The curse of Pipex has struck again. Open University students who are unfortunate enough to have Pipex as their ISP are being denied access to the OU's servers in the evening because Pipex is 'Traffic Managing' and treating the OU client/server interface as a peer to peer network, which it is most definitely not.

Pipex, of course, deny that they are doing this. However, it's a bit strange that ever since Tiscali took over from Pipex, no OU students have been able to access the server in the evenings. This means that they cannot get on with their coursework or access their tutor groups or course conferences, having the knock-on effect that they can't get on with a fair chunk of their studying.

I wonder how many students will hold Pipex responsible if they fail their courses because they couldn't access some of the materials when they needed to?

If there's anyone from Pipex reading this, please, I beg you on behalf of the quarter of a million OU students out there, STOP BLOCKING PORT 510! It is NOT P2P, it is a client/server relationship. Pipex is preventing legitimate use of the service because of ignorance.

EDIT - Sunday 26 Oct - My fellow students and I still can't get into the server in the evenings. I have had enough and I intend to ditch Pipex in favour of an ISP that does actually give a shit, and bothers to respond to complaints instead of either ignoring them completely or keep asking for information such as my date of birth, which is bloody irrelevant and just a delaying tactic because they can't be arsed to resolve the matter.

I find it very sad that Pipex, which once had a reputation for excellent physical service and customer service, has turned into a pile of crap since being taken over by Tiscali.

and another thing...

It's rather sad that I can only find the time to write in this blog when I'm ill.

Urgh

I am full of snot, coughing my guts up and generally feeling quite poo.

I was feeling ill at the end of last week but, rather stupidly, overdid it at the weekend and now I'm paying the price.

Last night, I was running a very high temperature, yet still felt freezing cold. I was snuggled up with my hot water bottle, under my winter duvet, and still didn't feel warm.

A hot shower and a cup of cocoa helped a little and, rather surprisingly, I nodded off and slept for 14 hours. I woke up feeling like I've been punched in the head, but I'm not cold any more.

I am now wrapped up on the sofa, laptop on knee, cup of tea in hand and seriously considering going back to bed.

Changing the meaning of words

Have you ever looked at a word written down and thought "that doesn't look right". The more you look at it, the more it looks wrong. You spell it out letter by letter, but it still looks wrong, so you check the dictionary and the spelling there matches the word on your page, yet it still looks wrong.

I have found that the same thing happens with the spoken word; the more you say a word over and over again, the stranger it sounds. Sometimes it even takes on a completely different meaning.

One such word that has been bugging me recently is 'homeowner'. If you watch the television, listen to the radio or read any newspapers, you cannot escape this word. Financial organisations offer loans and 'debt consolidation' agreements to homeowners, the news tells of homeowners struggling to pay mortgages or maintain their level of spending. We are bombarded with media talking about, or to 'homeowners' (sic.) Yes, one word, 'homeowner', as opposed to 'home owner' or 'home-owner'.

It has become a single word, which now presents me with a bit of a problem. Every time I hear the word 'homeowner' I wonder if it is the new term for a person who is unhappy with the service received from a prostitute.

Is it just me?

Children 'ruining' visits to pubs

So, the Good Pub Guide has finally acknowledged what I have long known to be the truth: a lot of people don't want kids in pubs. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, kids should not be in pubs unless they are sat quietly with their parents, and do not leave their seats unaccompanied. I avoid like the plague those pubs which market themselves towards families, because I know that it will be a noisy hell inside.

When I was a kid, most pubs didn't let kids in, but they did have a beer garden where the kids could play. Nowadays, the little buggers get everywhere and if you dare to complain that someone else's brat is under your table, the parents seem to think that it's your fault and that you are the nasty one.

I was extremely gratified to read that one of my favourite pubs, Ye Olde Man and Scythe in Bolton no longer allows children in the pub (including those in pushchairs - yes, they're still kids, you know!). In the case of this wonderful establishment, I suspect it has an awful lot to do with the limited space in the bar area, one pushchair could cause utter chaos. However, the lack of kids is not the only reason for paying a visit, they also serve an excellent range of ales, ciders and whiskies, and you are guaranteed a friendly welcome. Once a year, the landlord also volunteers to get his head chopped off, but I'll let you look at the website to find out why!

I digress. Landlords, remember, some pubs get trade because they let kids in, other pubs get trade because they don't. Personally, I'll go to the ones who dont.

Why is the UK populated by people 'passive against crime'? According to leading think-tank 'Reform', it is because we insist that something should be done, but we're not prepared to do it ourselves, relying, instead, on the courts, the Police and the Government.

Actually, I think they're missing a very big point. People don't get involved because, thanks to 'human rights' legislation, the victims or defenders of victims of crime are often treated worse than the criminals themselves. The media is always reporting stories of people who get arrested for having injured, threatened or even just hurt the feelings of criminals.

Let me tell you a little tale. My elderly uncle awoke in the early hours of the morning and heard a noise downstairs. He went to investigate and found a burglar in his kitchen. He shouted, and the burglar threatened him with a knife. My uncle grabbed a bag from the side and hit the man over the head with it. The burglar ran away, but was later apprehended by the Police. What really shocked us, was that my uncle was also arrested, for assault, following a complaint from the burglar. No charges were ever brought, but my uncle, a war veteran and respectable man, never really recovered from the incident and said that he had lost faith in the Police.

Let me tell you another little tale. My friend was walking down a main shopping street when he heard a woman screaming. A thief had snatched her handbag and was running towards my friend. My friend, a very big lad, stepped out and stuck out his arm. The thief ran into his arm and fell, and my friend apprehended him. When the Police arrived, they arrested the thief, and my friend accompanied them to the Police station to give evidence. A short while later, the arresting officer told my friend that the thief wanted to press charges of assault against him, on the advice of his solicitor. Fortunately, in this case, the Police Officer was a sensible human being and thought that this was a silly idea and persuaded the thief and the solicitor that it was not a good idea.

Why on earth would decent law-abiding citizens wish to get involved in preventing and tackling crime, when they end up being treated like criminals themselves?

Until the law is changed, and some common sense applied, people are best staying out of it. Personally, I believe that if someone breaks into your property and threatens you with violence, you should have the right to beat seven shades of the brown sticky stuff out of them. Whilst this nanny state treats criminals with kid gloves, they are not going to reform. However, if they got thumped every time they broke the law, they might change their minds. Instant retribution is what's needed, not months of paperwork and waiting.

Of course, this leads on to the semantics of what constitutes 'reasonable force'. I could go on forever with that one. Perhaps 'equal force' might be more appropriate... ?

What's wrong with Bolton?

Actually, there's nothing at all wrong with Bolton. It's a wonderful town and I am proud to be a resident.

However, anyone from outside Bolton, who is unlucky enough to read the online version of the local newspaper, would think it is the most dreadful town in England. The paper specialises in little but bad news, and the standard of the reporting is, at best, poor. It concentrates on trivia and the only thing that makes it interesting for the ordinary person is the liberal use of poor spelling and grammar, giving fodder to the regulars of the online forum.

It is very rare that they have many 'good news' stories (with the notable exception of the recent Olympic success of Jason Kenny), and this weekend, it seems as though they were so short of stories that they have approached our excellent fire service for statistics and then made each item into a drama. There is a part of me that thinks that publishing all these stories of bin fires is just giving bored teenagers bad ideas.

A selection of headlines from the past two days:

• Man stabbed in Bury
• Arsonist target bin
• Fire in derelict house
• Den destroyed in arson attack
• Rubbish set alight
• Arsonists target van
• TV sparks incident
• Dryer blaze
• Pan sparks blaze
• Call to end SATs fails at council meeting
• £40,000 damage as boyfriend drives car into bungalow
• Man to be sentenced for animal cruelty
• Woman jailed for attack on baby
• Post delivered to empty house
• Developers face ASBO threat over illegal signs
• Vehicle destroyed in fire
• Car destroyed in blaze
• Arsonists target car
• Boy suffers burns
• Man admits raping teenage schoolgirl

Yes, folks, come to Bolton, but don't use the paper as your guide.

Lancashire's Sacred Landscape: From Prehistory to the Viking Age

I have had the priviledge of reading some of the draft pages of this book, and it's excellent. Get out there and buy it!

Exam results are out - quick squeal for your life!

What is it with teenagers these days? You see the news reports on the telly of successful young folk receiving their exam results, and they celebrate by squealing and screaming and jumping around and hugging their friends. What drugs are they on?

Don't get me wrong, I'm really chuffed for all of them. They've worked hard for their results, and good luck to them.

What's all the screaming about though? When I got my GCSE results, we were just handed a thin strip of paper with the list of results on and told "there they are, bye then" and that was it. Go home and find a summer job. When I got my A-Level results, we were taken, one at a time, into a private room where a tutor would tell us our results and then, those of us who had applied for university places, were told which universities had accepted us and which had rejected us. (I still can't believe I chose Hull over Durham though!) There was no screaming, no hugging the tutor or our mates, it was a business-like affair followed by a swift half in the pub before going back to our summer jobs.

I really can't be doing with all of this childish demonstrative celebration and it worries me that these highly-strung teenagers are the future of this country.

Or maybe I'm just a boring old bastard with nothing better to do than sit here and whinge.

Baba O'Riley

When I was a kid, my parents bought me an electronic keyboard. I had great fun with it, and discovered that I could play a brief, meaningless twiddle, and then play it back, speed it up and loop it. My mum hated it, and used to get really annoyed, and I used to giggle and do it all the more.

Recently, Rock Radio has been playing Baba O'Riley by The Who quite a lot, and now I understand exactly why my mum used to get annoyed. Baba O'Riley has to have one of the worst intro/backing tracks ever. It sounds just like the stuff I was doing when I was 8 years old - a tuneless twiddle speeded up to add extra irritation. Every time that track is played, I have the urge to throw the radio through the window.

I'm sorry mum, I truly am. Now I understand the hell I put you through.

Junk mail ... ?

Why does our office cleaner seem to think that my 'in' tray is a holding bay for junk?

Every day, I put the work I need to deal with into the 'in' tray. Logical, eh? So why is it that every morning when I sit at my desk, I have to clear out random objects such as coasters, used stamps, pens, scraps of paper, used envelopes and bulldog clips? Grrrrr. Maybe I should invest in an addition tray and mark it "Random Shite".

Even better, this morning, I found that my paper recycling box was full of tin cans and bits of plastic. Marvellous.

I just love spending the first 15 minutes of each day putting things back where they were the previous evening. You'd think that after 5 years, the cleaner would realise that I put stuff where I want it, and leave it there.

Loony Right strikes again

Apparently it's so grim up north, that everyone should move south. Stupid buggers. Can't they see beyond Watford Gap?

The people at 'Policy Exchange' have said that people should be told the "reality" to avoid them becoming "trapped" in less prosperous parts of the country. Oh yeah? So they'd rather just overcrowd the south with people who don't want to be there? How would towns become prosperous at all if people moved out? Surely to make towns prosper, people should move in?

Occasionally, I have to go to London for work-related reasons, and I hate the place. It's full of people rushing around everywhere, and I always get the impression that it's grimy and sweaty. Well, it is on the tube anyway. You get off the train and are swept away in a fast current of people plugged into mobile phones and music-producing devices, too busy in their own little worlds to smile, or even notice when they're shoving other people out of the way. No thanks, I'd rather stay up here.

I wonder how much time these loonies spent discussing this topic before making this ridiculous statement? I had a quick look at their website and saw a quotation from Oliver Letwin, praising them to the heavens. I would be very reluctant to take seriously any group endorsed by that twit.

Sorry, no kids

Thanks to Ferritt for bringing my attention to this news story about a couple who have complained after the vicar at their wedding asked for their noisy child to be removed from the church because he was disrupting the ceremony.

So, should be kids be banned from weddings? Well, of course that should be down to the bride and groom, and there's plenty of people who will say that of course kids should be there to join in the celebrations.

Let me put the other point of view. I have been to many events, not just weddings, where kids have run riot in church and at receptions and parties. They get under your feet, they're noisy and often a complete and utter pain in the arse, skidding around on their knees and screaming. My own wedding dress was ripped, because of a kid jumping up and down on the train because he thought it was funny to try to make me fall over. Believe me, I was not impressed. My mum didn't spend £500 on a beautiful silk dress just so some brat could wreck it within hours.

Then there's the kids in pubs. Oh how I could go on about that for hours. When I go to a pub, it's because I want to have a drink with my friends, not because I want someone else's brat screaming in my ear and crawling around under the table. Pubs are not places for kids to play. Yes, there are some pubs which do cater especially for kids, giving them fantastic play areas, and I have no problem at all with that, so long as the kids stay in the play areas and don't think that it's OK to play around my feet. Indeed, the sure-fire way of guaranteeing I would not go in a pub, is when it has a big sign outside reading 'Wacky Warehouse' or something similar.

So, you may think that I really hate kids, but you'd be wrong. It's irresponsible parents that I hate. If your kid is being a pain in the arse, don't just let them annoy everyone else, sort them out! Don't wait for someone to tell you that your kid is a nuisance, you should be intelligent enough to spot that for yourself.

I once told off a small child for banging the telephone receiver up and down on top of my television set, and the mother said "Don't you tell off my child, he's only being a little tinker". Through gritted teeth, I replied "He might only be a little tinker, but if he breaks either the telephone or the television, YOU will be buying me a new one". Funnily enough, she decided to deal with him pretty quickly after that. It wasn't the kid's fault - he'd never been told what was, and was not acceptable behaviour. On completely the opposite tack, Smurf once threw someone out of our house because he over-disciplined his child. He hit her so hard he knocked her off her feet. She wasn't hurt, but that wasn't the point. If you can't teach and discipline your children without resorting to violence, then you need to seek help. Best of all, just don't have kids.

Mmmm, tasty!

I had a bit of an 'aaarrrrggghhhhh!' moment this morning. I went in the fridge to get a new carton of raspberry yoghurt to go with a banana for breakfast. Unfortunately, it would appear that the lid wasn't sealed and as I grabbed it from the top shelf, I tipped it, and raspberry yoghurt spilled all over the inside of the fridge, and all over my mushrooms :o(

I sniffed at the remains of the yoghurt in the pot, and it was well and truly 'off', so that was my breakfast plan ruined. I then spent the next five minutes emptying the fridge and cleaning out the yoghurt and washing the mushrooms.

Not a good start to the day.

Scottish Shouty Man

I have just got a Freeview box for my office, after many years of threatening to get one. Right now, I am watching the Scottish First Minister's Questions. Sadly I can't concentrate on it very well because the First Minister, Alex Salmond, is shouting the place down, so it's making it really difficult listening.

Mr. Salmond, I can assure you that the microphones are working perfectly. No-one else seems to need to shout, so can you please pack it in, because it just makes you look inept and foolish.

ADDENDUM: It would appear he only shouts at Wendy Alexander. To the best of my knowledge, she isn't hard of hearing, so I guess he's just scared of her.

Hayfever is hell

I am right fed up. Why is it, that the one thing that I know will relieve my hayfever, is the one thing that my GP will no longer prescribe? Kenalog's licence has been withdrawn in the UK for treatment of allergies. My new GP described its use as 'using a sledgehammer to crack a nut'. Apparently it can cause osteoporosis with 'frequent and prolongued' use. Although I have argued that once is year is hardly 'frequent', none of my 3 most recent GPs have agreed to administer it, which I think is incredibly inhumane.

Let me tell you about my hayfever. In fact, no, you can experience it for yourself, with these simple steps.

First, take a pencil and shove the blunt end up one nostril until it starts to poke out your eyeball. Then, using a sealant gun, fill up the other nostril with silicone. Next, take a handful of itching powder and carefully rub into each eye, until you want to tear off your eyelids. Now your eyes should be streaming constantly, with pale green goo dribbling down your face 24/7. When you awake in the morning, your face will be stuck to the pillow, and you have to carefully peel off the congealed and crusty goo before stumbling blindly towards the bathroom to use a sponge to mop off the rest. This feels like you are sandpapering your face. As you pick off the crusty coating on your eyelids, you grimace at being able to see the devastation that is your face. As you move your lips, they crack and sting. Great!

Now you're a bit more awake, let's really get going. Do you have any cleaning fluids in the bathroom? Have a good gargle until you strip the lining out of your throat. Your throat should now itch like hell and any attempt to quell it (including drinking water) will result in pain. Are you getting the idea?

Once you've picked all of the goo out of your eyes and almost stopped coughing (which can occasionally result in vomiting), you're ready to get dressed. Take a bog roll into the bedroom with you, you'll need it to mop up the results of the constant sneezing that you will experience for the rest of the day. Don't forget to take your hayfever tablets, eye drops, throat spray and nasal spray. You may need a holdall to carry it all. Remember to take the bog roll into the car with you, for your journey to work.

When you get to work, go into the bathroom and wash your face, and spend another five minutes picking the pale green goo out of your eyes again. Your face will now look as though you've been punched several times, and you'll feel like it too.

Sitting at your desk isn't so bad, really. You'll still sneeze a bit, and your nose will still be completely blocked, but so long as you keep the windows shut, you should be able to get away with only having to wash your face every half hour or so, not forgetting to apply vaseline to your lips every time to stop them cracking and bleeding even more than they are already doing.

Hometime! Grab your bog roll and head for the car. As soon as the sunlight hits your eyes, expect another sneezing fit of epic proportions. Use the bog roll to clean the snot off your steering wheel and windscreen.

Weekend! Yay! Weekends are great. You can relax for at least 2 minutes, until you realise that every one of your neighbours is mowing the lawn at the same time. They think you're weird because, even on the hottest days, you have to have every window and door fastened tightly shut. Every time they see you, you are clutching a bog roll, and they wonder if it's some sort of fetish.

Meeting new people is always interesting too. They like to tell you all their patent remedies for hayfever. Yes, I know that local honey is supposed to be good, as is elderflower tea. No, I will not put vaseline up my nose - that not only feels disgusting, but my nose is blocked enough as it is, without stuffing another pollen-trap up there. Yes, I know you can get hayfever tablets in the pound shop, but when you need the equivalent of two packets a day, it really isn't much value for money. The prescription-only tablets that I get are supposed to be an adult dose of 180mg per day. I am on 540mg (180mg three times a day), which just about allows me to function enough to eat, work and sleep. The nasal decongestant is quite good most of the time. However, sometimes it's hard to actually get the spray to where it is needed because it hits the barrier of goo up the nose and just dribbles straight back out again. If you are unfortunate enough to inhale whilst spraying it, it goes down the back of your throat, which not only tastes disgusting, but dries out the throat too. The eye drops are also quite good for washing out the eyes, but they tend to leave crusty bits on the eyelashes, which are itchy and not pretty.

I don't care what everyone recommends for hayfever, it never works. I know what worked for me, and it's the one thing that I am not permitted to have.

Roll on Autumn!

Sally's Biking 4 Brainray

Sally Ann Holmes is a very brave lady, who is raising funds for Hurstwood Park Neurological Centre, who saved her life when she suffered a sub-arachnoid brain haemorrhage six years ago.

Sally Ann and her friend Richard will be biking all the way around the coast of Britain in a bum-numbing 3,500 mile ride. You can keep track of their progress on the website here. Why not have a look at where they are going to be and meet them en-route to give them some support and maybe a bit of company? There's not many feelings better than that of a group of bikers riding together, especially when it's in aid of a good cause.

If you'd like to make a donation to boost their efforts, please go to the JustGiving website and part with some dosh.

Thanks to Saxman of the Yodashire Massive for letting us know about Sally Ann & Richard's ride.

Tory MP to waste public money on unnecessary byelection

Tory MP, David Davis has announced that he is standing down as Member of Parliament for Haltemprice & Howden in order to make a stand over the issue of 42 day detention. However, he then plans to re-stand for the same position.

Whilst I admire his guts for standing up for his beliefs, I don't admire the waste of public money that will be spent on administering the by-election, and the cynic in me says that it's just one huge publicity stunt to get his name in the press.

The Liberal Democrats have indicated that they do not propose to waste their time and money putting a candidate against him, and it's unlikely that the Labour Party will field a candidate either.

It's all well and good to have principles when you know you're going to win.

Lost Weekend & Danny Vaughn

Are photographers really a threat?

I have always had an interest in photography, ever since I was given a Kodak Retinette when I was a child. I never really progressed beyond point-and-shoot snapshot photography, despite Smurf's patient efforts to teach me the more technical side of things. However, I still love taking photos. When I bought a digital SLR a couple of years ago, I decided it was about time that I learned how to do it properly, and regretted not paying more attention to Smurf's advice. Anyway, I decided to sign up for the Open University's Digital Photography course, and I am really enjoying it, although I don't really have enough time to dedicate to it at the moment.

One thing that has been worrying me a lot recently, is the high number of reports in the press about photographers being harassed for taking pictures in public places. Such is the paranoia raised by the some of the less-reputable media, that many photographers are now viewed with suspicion. If you take a photo of kids playing, you're accused of being a paedophile, if you take a photo of a large public building, you're accused of being a terrorist.

I have been fuming about the stupidity of sheeple for quite some time now, and so I was really pleased to read an article in the Guardian Newspaper by Bruce Schneier about the general ignorance surrounding photography, terrorism and the like. Go and read it now. It makes sense.

In Mr. Schneier's words:

"Fear aside, there aren't many legal restrictions on what you can photograph from a public place that's already in public view. If you're harassed, it's almost certainly a law enforcement official, public or private, acting way beyond his authority. There's nothing in any post-9/11 law that restricts your right to photograph.

"This is worth fighting. Search "photographer rights" on Google and download one of the several wallet documents that can help you if you get harassed; I found one for the UK, US, and Australia. Don't cede your right to photograph in public. Don't propagate the terrorist photographer story. Remind them that prohibiting photography was something we used to ridicule about the USSR. Eventually sanity will be restored, but it may take a while."

Well said, Mr. Schneier, I just hope that those enforcement officials pay attention.

Remember, that under normal circumstances, no-one (including Police, other officials or security guards) has the right to seize your photographic equipment or demand that memory cards are deleted/confiscated without a court order, even if they think they contain damaging or useful evidence. If an enforcement official erases any of your photographs without your permission, it amounts to criminal damage and that anyone who deletes a photographer’s images without permission could face criminal, civil or disciplinary action.

Be aware, though, that in some circumstances, the police are permitted to confiscate your film or memory cards but they are still not permitted to delete any images because the images could be used as evidence for or against you.

Professor Pierre O'Bollox

The Professor has been a good friend of mine for many years, and he's always had something of a way with words. I think it would be fair to describe him as an eloquent twat.

Anyway, go and read his blog. Don't read it whilst you're drinking, cos you might need to replace your keyboard...

Bikers' fuel protest

Tomorrow, I shall be joining lots of other bikers in a peaceful protest against the ridiculous cost of fuel in the UK.

The boss has even let me have the morning off work to go. Top bloke!

I will take my camera with me but, obviously, I won't be able to take pictures whilst I'm riding, unless I can grow another arm overnight, in which case, it won't fit in my jacket and will look rather strange...

What a nice day...

for flying a kite. We abducted next-door's pooch and took him to the beach for the day. I flew my kite and Stretch chased sticks and paddled in the sea.

Website of the day

Psych Central