What's wrong with Bolton?

Actually, there's nothing at all wrong with Bolton. It's a wonderful town and I am proud to be a resident.

However, anyone from outside Bolton, who is unlucky enough to read the online version of the local newspaper, would think it is the most dreadful town in England. The paper specialises in little but bad news, and the standard of the reporting is, at best, poor. It concentrates on trivia and the only thing that makes it interesting for the ordinary person is the liberal use of poor spelling and grammar, giving fodder to the regulars of the online forum.

It is very rare that they have many 'good news' stories (with the notable exception of the recent Olympic success of Jason Kenny), and this weekend, it seems as though they were so short of stories that they have approached our excellent fire service for statistics and then made each item into a drama. There is a part of me that thinks that publishing all these stories of bin fires is just giving bored teenagers bad ideas.

A selection of headlines from the past two days:

• Man stabbed in Bury
• Arsonist target bin
• Fire in derelict house
• Den destroyed in arson attack
• Rubbish set alight
• Arsonists target van
• TV sparks incident
• Dryer blaze
• Pan sparks blaze
• Call to end SATs fails at council meeting
• £40,000 damage as boyfriend drives car into bungalow
• Man to be sentenced for animal cruelty
• Woman jailed for attack on baby
• Post delivered to empty house
• Developers face ASBO threat over illegal signs
• Vehicle destroyed in fire
• Car destroyed in blaze
• Arsonists target car
• Boy suffers burns
• Man admits raping teenage schoolgirl

Yes, folks, come to Bolton, but don't use the paper as your guide.

Lancashire's Sacred Landscape: From Prehistory to the Viking Age

I have had the priviledge of reading some of the draft pages of this book, and it's excellent. Get out there and buy it!

Exam results are out - quick squeal for your life!

What is it with teenagers these days? You see the news reports on the telly of successful young folk receiving their exam results, and they celebrate by squealing and screaming and jumping around and hugging their friends. What drugs are they on?

Don't get me wrong, I'm really chuffed for all of them. They've worked hard for their results, and good luck to them.

What's all the screaming about though? When I got my GCSE results, we were just handed a thin strip of paper with the list of results on and told "there they are, bye then" and that was it. Go home and find a summer job. When I got my A-Level results, we were taken, one at a time, into a private room where a tutor would tell us our results and then, those of us who had applied for university places, were told which universities had accepted us and which had rejected us. (I still can't believe I chose Hull over Durham though!) There was no screaming, no hugging the tutor or our mates, it was a business-like affair followed by a swift half in the pub before going back to our summer jobs.

I really can't be doing with all of this childish demonstrative celebration and it worries me that these highly-strung teenagers are the future of this country.

Or maybe I'm just a boring old bastard with nothing better to do than sit here and whinge.

Baba O'Riley

When I was a kid, my parents bought me an electronic keyboard. I had great fun with it, and discovered that I could play a brief, meaningless twiddle, and then play it back, speed it up and loop it. My mum hated it, and used to get really annoyed, and I used to giggle and do it all the more.

Recently, Rock Radio has been playing Baba O'Riley by The Who quite a lot, and now I understand exactly why my mum used to get annoyed. Baba O'Riley has to have one of the worst intro/backing tracks ever. It sounds just like the stuff I was doing when I was 8 years old - a tuneless twiddle speeded up to add extra irritation. Every time that track is played, I have the urge to throw the radio through the window.

I'm sorry mum, I truly am. Now I understand the hell I put you through.

Junk mail ... ?

Why does our office cleaner seem to think that my 'in' tray is a holding bay for junk?

Every day, I put the work I need to deal with into the 'in' tray. Logical, eh? So why is it that every morning when I sit at my desk, I have to clear out random objects such as coasters, used stamps, pens, scraps of paper, used envelopes and bulldog clips? Grrrrr. Maybe I should invest in an addition tray and mark it "Random Shite".

Even better, this morning, I found that my paper recycling box was full of tin cans and bits of plastic. Marvellous.

I just love spending the first 15 minutes of each day putting things back where they were the previous evening. You'd think that after 5 years, the cleaner would realise that I put stuff where I want it, and leave it there.

Loony Right strikes again

Apparently it's so grim up north, that everyone should move south. Stupid buggers. Can't they see beyond Watford Gap?

The people at 'Policy Exchange' have said that people should be told the "reality" to avoid them becoming "trapped" in less prosperous parts of the country. Oh yeah? So they'd rather just overcrowd the south with people who don't want to be there? How would towns become prosperous at all if people moved out? Surely to make towns prosper, people should move in?

Occasionally, I have to go to London for work-related reasons, and I hate the place. It's full of people rushing around everywhere, and I always get the impression that it's grimy and sweaty. Well, it is on the tube anyway. You get off the train and are swept away in a fast current of people plugged into mobile phones and music-producing devices, too busy in their own little worlds to smile, or even notice when they're shoving other people out of the way. No thanks, I'd rather stay up here.

I wonder how much time these loonies spent discussing this topic before making this ridiculous statement? I had a quick look at their website and saw a quotation from Oliver Letwin, praising them to the heavens. I would be very reluctant to take seriously any group endorsed by that twit.

Sorry, no kids

Thanks to Ferritt for bringing my attention to this news story about a couple who have complained after the vicar at their wedding asked for their noisy child to be removed from the church because he was disrupting the ceremony.

So, should be kids be banned from weddings? Well, of course that should be down to the bride and groom, and there's plenty of people who will say that of course kids should be there to join in the celebrations.

Let me put the other point of view. I have been to many events, not just weddings, where kids have run riot in church and at receptions and parties. They get under your feet, they're noisy and often a complete and utter pain in the arse, skidding around on their knees and screaming. My own wedding dress was ripped, because of a kid jumping up and down on the train because he thought it was funny to try to make me fall over. Believe me, I was not impressed. My mum didn't spend £500 on a beautiful silk dress just so some brat could wreck it within hours.

Then there's the kids in pubs. Oh how I could go on about that for hours. When I go to a pub, it's because I want to have a drink with my friends, not because I want someone else's brat screaming in my ear and crawling around under the table. Pubs are not places for kids to play. Yes, there are some pubs which do cater especially for kids, giving them fantastic play areas, and I have no problem at all with that, so long as the kids stay in the play areas and don't think that it's OK to play around my feet. Indeed, the sure-fire way of guaranteeing I would not go in a pub, is when it has a big sign outside reading 'Wacky Warehouse' or something similar.

So, you may think that I really hate kids, but you'd be wrong. It's irresponsible parents that I hate. If your kid is being a pain in the arse, don't just let them annoy everyone else, sort them out! Don't wait for someone to tell you that your kid is a nuisance, you should be intelligent enough to spot that for yourself.

I once told off a small child for banging the telephone receiver up and down on top of my television set, and the mother said "Don't you tell off my child, he's only being a little tinker". Through gritted teeth, I replied "He might only be a little tinker, but if he breaks either the telephone or the television, YOU will be buying me a new one". Funnily enough, she decided to deal with him pretty quickly after that. It wasn't the kid's fault - he'd never been told what was, and was not acceptable behaviour. On completely the opposite tack, Smurf once threw someone out of our house because he over-disciplined his child. He hit her so hard he knocked her off her feet. She wasn't hurt, but that wasn't the point. If you can't teach and discipline your children without resorting to violence, then you need to seek help. Best of all, just don't have kids.

Mmmm, tasty!

I had a bit of an 'aaarrrrggghhhhh!' moment this morning. I went in the fridge to get a new carton of raspberry yoghurt to go with a banana for breakfast. Unfortunately, it would appear that the lid wasn't sealed and as I grabbed it from the top shelf, I tipped it, and raspberry yoghurt spilled all over the inside of the fridge, and all over my mushrooms :o(

I sniffed at the remains of the yoghurt in the pot, and it was well and truly 'off', so that was my breakfast plan ruined. I then spent the next five minutes emptying the fridge and cleaning out the yoghurt and washing the mushrooms.

Not a good start to the day.

Scottish Shouty Man

I have just got a Freeview box for my office, after many years of threatening to get one. Right now, I am watching the Scottish First Minister's Questions. Sadly I can't concentrate on it very well because the First Minister, Alex Salmond, is shouting the place down, so it's making it really difficult listening.

Mr. Salmond, I can assure you that the microphones are working perfectly. No-one else seems to need to shout, so can you please pack it in, because it just makes you look inept and foolish.

ADDENDUM: It would appear he only shouts at Wendy Alexander. To the best of my knowledge, she isn't hard of hearing, so I guess he's just scared of her.

Hayfever is hell

I am right fed up. Why is it, that the one thing that I know will relieve my hayfever, is the one thing that my GP will no longer prescribe? Kenalog's licence has been withdrawn in the UK for treatment of allergies. My new GP described its use as 'using a sledgehammer to crack a nut'. Apparently it can cause osteoporosis with 'frequent and prolongued' use. Although I have argued that once is year is hardly 'frequent', none of my 3 most recent GPs have agreed to administer it, which I think is incredibly inhumane.

Let me tell you about my hayfever. In fact, no, you can experience it for yourself, with these simple steps.

First, take a pencil and shove the blunt end up one nostril until it starts to poke out your eyeball. Then, using a sealant gun, fill up the other nostril with silicone. Next, take a handful of itching powder and carefully rub into each eye, until you want to tear off your eyelids. Now your eyes should be streaming constantly, with pale green goo dribbling down your face 24/7. When you awake in the morning, your face will be stuck to the pillow, and you have to carefully peel off the congealed and crusty goo before stumbling blindly towards the bathroom to use a sponge to mop off the rest. This feels like you are sandpapering your face. As you pick off the crusty coating on your eyelids, you grimace at being able to see the devastation that is your face. As you move your lips, they crack and sting. Great!

Now you're a bit more awake, let's really get going. Do you have any cleaning fluids in the bathroom? Have a good gargle until you strip the lining out of your throat. Your throat should now itch like hell and any attempt to quell it (including drinking water) will result in pain. Are you getting the idea?

Once you've picked all of the goo out of your eyes and almost stopped coughing (which can occasionally result in vomiting), you're ready to get dressed. Take a bog roll into the bedroom with you, you'll need it to mop up the results of the constant sneezing that you will experience for the rest of the day. Don't forget to take your hayfever tablets, eye drops, throat spray and nasal spray. You may need a holdall to carry it all. Remember to take the bog roll into the car with you, for your journey to work.

When you get to work, go into the bathroom and wash your face, and spend another five minutes picking the pale green goo out of your eyes again. Your face will now look as though you've been punched several times, and you'll feel like it too.

Sitting at your desk isn't so bad, really. You'll still sneeze a bit, and your nose will still be completely blocked, but so long as you keep the windows shut, you should be able to get away with only having to wash your face every half hour or so, not forgetting to apply vaseline to your lips every time to stop them cracking and bleeding even more than they are already doing.

Hometime! Grab your bog roll and head for the car. As soon as the sunlight hits your eyes, expect another sneezing fit of epic proportions. Use the bog roll to clean the snot off your steering wheel and windscreen.

Weekend! Yay! Weekends are great. You can relax for at least 2 minutes, until you realise that every one of your neighbours is mowing the lawn at the same time. They think you're weird because, even on the hottest days, you have to have every window and door fastened tightly shut. Every time they see you, you are clutching a bog roll, and they wonder if it's some sort of fetish.

Meeting new people is always interesting too. They like to tell you all their patent remedies for hayfever. Yes, I know that local honey is supposed to be good, as is elderflower tea. No, I will not put vaseline up my nose - that not only feels disgusting, but my nose is blocked enough as it is, without stuffing another pollen-trap up there. Yes, I know you can get hayfever tablets in the pound shop, but when you need the equivalent of two packets a day, it really isn't much value for money. The prescription-only tablets that I get are supposed to be an adult dose of 180mg per day. I am on 540mg (180mg three times a day), which just about allows me to function enough to eat, work and sleep. The nasal decongestant is quite good most of the time. However, sometimes it's hard to actually get the spray to where it is needed because it hits the barrier of goo up the nose and just dribbles straight back out again. If you are unfortunate enough to inhale whilst spraying it, it goes down the back of your throat, which not only tastes disgusting, but dries out the throat too. The eye drops are also quite good for washing out the eyes, but they tend to leave crusty bits on the eyelashes, which are itchy and not pretty.

I don't care what everyone recommends for hayfever, it never works. I know what worked for me, and it's the one thing that I am not permitted to have.

Roll on Autumn!

Sally's Biking 4 Brainray

Sally Ann Holmes is a very brave lady, who is raising funds for Hurstwood Park Neurological Centre, who saved her life when she suffered a sub-arachnoid brain haemorrhage six years ago.

Sally Ann and her friend Richard will be biking all the way around the coast of Britain in a bum-numbing 3,500 mile ride. You can keep track of their progress on the website here. Why not have a look at where they are going to be and meet them en-route to give them some support and maybe a bit of company? There's not many feelings better than that of a group of bikers riding together, especially when it's in aid of a good cause.

If you'd like to make a donation to boost their efforts, please go to the JustGiving website and part with some dosh.

Thanks to Saxman of the Yodashire Massive for letting us know about Sally Ann & Richard's ride.

Tory MP to waste public money on unnecessary byelection

Tory MP, David Davis has announced that he is standing down as Member of Parliament for Haltemprice & Howden in order to make a stand over the issue of 42 day detention. However, he then plans to re-stand for the same position.

Whilst I admire his guts for standing up for his beliefs, I don't admire the waste of public money that will be spent on administering the by-election, and the cynic in me says that it's just one huge publicity stunt to get his name in the press.

The Liberal Democrats have indicated that they do not propose to waste their time and money putting a candidate against him, and it's unlikely that the Labour Party will field a candidate either.

It's all well and good to have principles when you know you're going to win.

Lost Weekend & Danny Vaughn

Are photographers really a threat?

I have always had an interest in photography, ever since I was given a Kodak Retinette when I was a child. I never really progressed beyond point-and-shoot snapshot photography, despite Smurf's patient efforts to teach me the more technical side of things. However, I still love taking photos. When I bought a digital SLR a couple of years ago, I decided it was about time that I learned how to do it properly, and regretted not paying more attention to Smurf's advice. Anyway, I decided to sign up for the Open University's Digital Photography course, and I am really enjoying it, although I don't really have enough time to dedicate to it at the moment.

One thing that has been worrying me a lot recently, is the high number of reports in the press about photographers being harassed for taking pictures in public places. Such is the paranoia raised by the some of the less-reputable media, that many photographers are now viewed with suspicion. If you take a photo of kids playing, you're accused of being a paedophile, if you take a photo of a large public building, you're accused of being a terrorist.

I have been fuming about the stupidity of sheeple for quite some time now, and so I was really pleased to read an article in the Guardian Newspaper by Bruce Schneier about the general ignorance surrounding photography, terrorism and the like. Go and read it now. It makes sense.

In Mr. Schneier's words:

"Fear aside, there aren't many legal restrictions on what you can photograph from a public place that's already in public view. If you're harassed, it's almost certainly a law enforcement official, public or private, acting way beyond his authority. There's nothing in any post-9/11 law that restricts your right to photograph.

"This is worth fighting. Search "photographer rights" on Google and download one of the several wallet documents that can help you if you get harassed; I found one for the UK, US, and Australia. Don't cede your right to photograph in public. Don't propagate the terrorist photographer story. Remind them that prohibiting photography was something we used to ridicule about the USSR. Eventually sanity will be restored, but it may take a while."

Well said, Mr. Schneier, I just hope that those enforcement officials pay attention.

Remember, that under normal circumstances, no-one (including Police, other officials or security guards) has the right to seize your photographic equipment or demand that memory cards are deleted/confiscated without a court order, even if they think they contain damaging or useful evidence. If an enforcement official erases any of your photographs without your permission, it amounts to criminal damage and that anyone who deletes a photographer’s images without permission could face criminal, civil or disciplinary action.

Be aware, though, that in some circumstances, the police are permitted to confiscate your film or memory cards but they are still not permitted to delete any images because the images could be used as evidence for or against you.

Professor Pierre O'Bollox

The Professor has been a good friend of mine for many years, and he's always had something of a way with words. I think it would be fair to describe him as an eloquent twat.

Anyway, go and read his blog. Don't read it whilst you're drinking, cos you might need to replace your keyboard...

Bikers' fuel protest

Tomorrow, I shall be joining lots of other bikers in a peaceful protest against the ridiculous cost of fuel in the UK.

The boss has even let me have the morning off work to go. Top bloke!

I will take my camera with me but, obviously, I won't be able to take pictures whilst I'm riding, unless I can grow another arm overnight, in which case, it won't fit in my jacket and will look rather strange...

What a nice day...

for flying a kite. We abducted next-door's pooch and took him to the beach for the day. I flew my kite and Stretch chased sticks and paddled in the sea.

Website of the day

Psych Central

and to add insult to injury...

there's a nail in the front offside tyre of my car. Sodding typical.

Bloody annoyed!

Yesterday, the electricity went off. AGAIN. It does this intermittently, and the supply company keep telling us that it is a 'transient fault' and that they can't fix it until the cable actually burns out, so that they can find the break.

Anyway, my neighbour, Vince, told me that the power had gone off at 10:30am, and that he'd rung them and was told that it would be past midnight when it would be fixed because (hurrah!) the cable had burned out and they could finally fix it properly by replacing the cable.

So, given that I'd already decided to stay at Spike's last night, I went round the house turning everything off, including the central heating.

When I got home from work this evening, I opened the front door to be met my a pyroclastic blast of heat. WTF??? The heating was on. I checked the timer and it was set to permanent 'on'. I swear I set it to permanent 'off'. I really did - honest! I assume that the break in the electricity supply had returned it to a default setting of 'on'.

So, having spent most of the winter with the heating off, and me wrapped in a duvet because I couldn't afford the gas bill, my heating was on for 19 hours on a warm day and I wasn't even in the bloody house to reap the benefit.

However, having been home for four hours now, with the heating off, I can honestly say that my new loft and cavity wall insulation works, cos it's still like a bloody sauna in here. Actually, I'm sat on the sofa in just a t-shirt, cos it really is that warm. Don't worry folks, the curtains are closed :o)