Look out for smoke signals

OK, today I am setting off on what sounds like it's going to be a great break away from the rat race. I'm off to the wild jungles of South Wales, to learn all about Bushcraft.

This will include forging knives, flintknapping, long bow making, deadfalls and snares, shelter building, knots, cordage, fire by friction with bowdrill and handrill, bamboo workshop, plant walk, tracking and making hobo stoves/reflector ovens.

It sounds great doesn't it. In reality, I suspect I'm gonna starve to death. If I'm not back by Wednesday, please arrange for a parcel-drop of wine and chocolate, and a consignment of aromatic crispy duck with spring onions, cucumber and pancakes. TVM.

Now, has anyone got any Kendal Mint Cake? Brandy?

Hot weather makes people stupid

I've just had a brief walk round Bolton town centre and seen a few things that made me wonder just how stupid/weird people can be. I was only out 15 mins! Oh yeah, and it's 30 degrees, so most people are wearing shorts and t-shirts. So here's what I saw:

1. a teenage girl wearing furry boots and a furry anorak
2. an old man wearing a dufflecoat and trilby
3. an emaciated woman walking round in flip flops and a grey satin slip which barely covered her assets (or lack thereof), and smoking a cigar
4. a chav bloke yelling at a crying baby to try to make it shut up. FFS! It's 30 degrees out there, take the fkin duvet off the kid! No wonder it was crying, I think I'd be crying too.

Sometimes, I despair :o(

A grand day out

On Sunday, Spike and I went to the Black Country Living Museum near Dudley. We had a fantastic day, and I only wish that we'd gone for 10am, when it opened, instead of leaving it until noon.

I can highly recommend the BCLM as a great day out for young and old. The staff were really friendly and helpful and the site is pretty much disabled friendly. There is some rough ground and a few steps, but they have portable ramps which they'll go and get for you. They'll even provide wheelchairs for those who may not be able to walk so far.

There is a lot of walking involved, but there are trolley buses which travel up and down the site all day.




There were three bits of the site we didn't get to see; the Oliver Shop, which was closed whilst they were working on it, the cinema, because it was just too bloody hot in there, and the Canal Tunnel Trip. At first, I thought that £4.25 was a bit steep, but then I found out that the trip lasts more than three quarters of an hour, so I reckon it's damn good value for money. I intend to go back and do the Canal Tunnel Trip again. I think you can do the trip in isolation from the rest of the museum.

So, which bits did I enjoy the most? Well, I think the coal mine has to come top of my list. We were given hard hats and purposely-dim torches and then guided underground into the pitch blackness. The roof was very low in some places, so a lot of ducking was required, but it really did bring it home to me what appalling conditions the miners worked in. The tour guide was very knowledgeable, having worked at a colliery himself, albeit above ground.



The guide who took us around the Anchor Forge and Rolling Mill will never forgive me if I don't give a mention to his hero, Henry Cort, who was the inventor of the steel rolling mill. The rolling mill at the museum is a bit rusty because, obviously it's not in use, but the guide did explain quite comprehensively how it worked.

The Anchor Forge was pretty impressive too. Just look at the size of the anchors! I wouldn't like to have one of those dropped on me toe!



I think Spike was particularly fascinated with the Trap Shop - a small factory dedicated to the production of animal traps. The factory closed down overnight when trapping was made illegal.

The guide at Pitt's Cott was a cracking bloke. He seemed to have an unlimited store of knowledge which he was willing to share with all-comers. I felt quite sorry for him because the range was lit and the cott was stiflingly hot, but he didn't actually seem to notice. He told me that his good lady cooks their dinner on the range, and that it roasts meat beautifully. I felt quite hungry after that visit and set off towards the village chippy, where the chips are cooked in beef dripping. Yum! Oh yeah, and they have little piggies at the cott too!



I've always been a fan of steam power, so I really wanted to see the Newcomen Steam Pump. Sadly it wasn't in steam, but it was damned impressive all the same.

The museum is currently working on the relocation of the Workers' Institute, and are asking for people to 'sponsor a brick'. Go on, it's only a tenner, and it's worth it to save this wonderful piece of Labour history.

There really is too much there to mention everything, but it really was a damn good day out. So here's a couple more photos, just to whet your appetite.

above the law?

OK, so you're driving into town and you see that your preferred route is coned off, with a big sign saying 'Police, No Entry', and has a police car blocking the road. What would you do? Well several hundred people took the alternative route, but the muppet in front of me decided he was just going to go round the Police car and carry on down the blocked off road. He looked every so surprised when the copper went after him and made him turn round. What a wanker!

Banksy

Bristol Council has been criticised for allowing a piece of graffiti by Banksy to remain on the side of a building. Apparently, in an online poll, 97% of voters wanted it to stay.

I rather like it.

Spanish Castle

This is a really weird optical illusion. Don't worry, it's not one of those stupid things where summat screams at you and makes you jump. It's a proper optical illusion.

You need to have javascript enabled. It didn't work in my Firefox, but it worked fine in IE.

Taking acting to the extreme?

Big Vern spotted this one. It made I larf, it did.

Actor Playing Jesus is Accidentally Crucified in This Year's Passion Play

My favourite line has to be:

The autopsy of Pastor Truefaith revealed acute toxicity of the liver, which was attributed to the 3 quarts of apple cider vinegar the "Roman Soldiers" force-fed the actor while he was on the cross. Added Sergeant Lewis: "And the decision to use real nails certainly didn't help."

And for all you thickos out there - no, it's not real. Honest.

Can I start again, please?

So far today:

• I dropped and broke the glass soapdish in the bathroom, cutting my leg in the process
• I left my cash at home and had to go back for it
• I locked my office keys in the office and had to go and get the second set off the cleaner
• The bank told me I can't have a temporary overdraft facility, even though I've had an account with them for over 20 years and have never gone overdrawn. Apparently it's because I opened a second account a months ago, and they say I haven't put enough money through it yet, even though it's my old account I want the overdraft on. They did, however, try to sell me a credit card again, despite the fact I've already got one that I don't use.
• My laptop overheated and shut itself down in protest, despite the fact that it has internal fans, a heavy-duty 'cooling pad' and the office fan all dedicated to keeping it happy.

So, if you don't mind, I'd really like to go home and sit in the garden with a nice cold beer.

Sniffer Dogs

Brilliant!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4568321.stm

I don't know who is worse

The idiot who penned this crap, or the Bolton Evening News for publishing it. They must be really desperate. Perhaps they thought it would start a flood of letters.

Mrs. Marshall, you have my deepest sympathy for being married to such a complete tosser.

Perfect day

Been out eight hours today. Great weather, great company, great roads. Spike and I took a meandering route, through Standish to Orrell, Bickerstaffe, Aughton, Formby and to our destination - Crosby, where we paid a visit to Critch, Emily & their two great kids, Grace & Freya. Critch gave me a Womble - Stepney, to be precise :o) Cheers mate!

After stuffing ourselves with pizza and potato wedges, we set off towards Southport, where we stopped to admire the lack of sea, and have a cup of tea and a cake.


















We then set off again, through Tarleton, Holmeswood, Rufford and Parbold, before heading up through Haigh to sit up on Rivington Moor to watch the sun go down. We did about 100 miles on the round trip, and no-one tried to kill us!

We're now sat in front of the telly, watching some programme about Glastonbury, with some chilled white wine and a big bag of Maltesers :o)

All in all, it's been a bloody nice day.

Canine dustbin

It would appear that my neighbour's dog, Stretch, likes Sherbet Fountains. Nooooooooo!!!!!!!



Addendum - sherbet and red wine do not make a good mix :o(

Bull terrier vs porcupine

Porcupine 150 - 0 Bull Terrier

Shame on the VA

Kingdom of Madness has highlighted the story of a fallen Wiccan soldier, Sgt Patrick Stewart, who has been left with no memorial because the US Department of Veteran Affairs won't allow a pentangle to be inscribed on US military memorials or grave markers.

In this day and age of so-called 'religious tolerance', it is disgraceful that someone who fought and died for their country cannot have their Wiccan beliefs recognised on their memorial.

Of course you could always contact the VA and tell them what you think.

Lest We Forget...

24/7 working?

Caller: "When is your next open advice session?"
Me: "Next Friday, from 4.30 to 6.00."
Caller: "Is that in the afternoon?"
Me: "No, I like to work in the early hours of the morning when every fucker else is asleep"

OK, I didn't really say that, but it was sooo tempting.

Bye bye Syd

Pink Floyd's very own Crazy Diamond has finally shuffled off this mortal coil.

Woo hoo!

It looks like I may be getting someone to help me in the office for the summer holidays. Yippee!

I'll know for certain later on today :o)

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Coming to a town centre near you...
Hell's Granny!
Happy new scooter, Linda :o)

One for Deb

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find enough British staff.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!", the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!

Not only is the law an ass...

but the judges have gone soft too. 21 year-old yob, Daniel Hardman was sent down for six months, but he did a Gazza and had a bit of a weepy in the dock, and the judge thought "awww, poor love" and decided to change his mind and give him community service and a fine instead.

I wonder how many other scrotes are going to try turning on the waterworks to get a reduced sentence?

Allan Beswick sez he's going to set up a business installing tissue dispensers in the docks of the UK courts. He might just make a fortune.