Ngygghhhh!

Note to self: don't drink red wine immediately after brushing teeth.
Gah!

Commiserations, it's a girl!

This news story has really angered me. Do these stupid people not realise that it's WOMEN who give birth to babies? Obvious, isn't it? So why do they kill off female babies, when in reality the only long-term consequence is that there will be fewer women, which means fewer babies in the future.

If population decrease is what they are trying to achieve, there are far more humane ways of doing it, e.g. contraception. Believe me, contraception is better than murder.

Once again, a patricarchal culture has shown how fecking stupid some men really are. I'm sick of hearing about the oppression of women in other countries, because all that this sort of oppression means is that the men are insecure and scared of how good women really can be if left to blossom.

So, as a result of male insecurity, babies are killed or given away, foetuses are aborted and thousands of women have their lives ripped apart because the men want male babies and not female ones.

Hang on, I've got a better idea. Any man who believes that a female child should not be allowed to live, should be castrated, thus removing his poisonous thought from the gene pool.

Yuck! but what a good idea!

Fed up of overpriced food in the supermarkets? Why not wait until the shop closes and then get the food out of the dustbins?

OK, I know that sounds really gross, but people can and do actually do this all the time. Supermarkets chuck out a phenomenal amount of perfectly good food, all thanks to legislation to protect stupid people. I spent years trying to persude someone that 'Best Before' doesn't mean 'Posionous On'. It used to drive me mad. When I was short of cash, I'd go through the 'reduced' section at the supermarket and buy the stuff where it was on it's last date. I'd take it home, put it in the fridge and ten minutes later, my boyfriend would throw it in the dustbin saying "You can't eat that, it's gone 'foisty'. What he actually meant was "I'm too stupid to be able to tell whether that food has gone off or not, so I'm throwing it away."

OK, I'll start with the dairy. Come on, I mean why does live yoghurt have a 'best before' date on it? Think about it. If it ain't covered in fur, it's OK to eat. Heat it up a bit and add more milk and it'll make more yoghurt for you. People seem not to know how foods are made these days. Same with cheese. If it hasn't gone hard, and doesn't have mould on it, then eat it. If it does have mould on it, cut it off and then eat the bit that isn't mouldy (unless it's a blue cheese, in which case it's supposed to have the mould in it). Milk: great stuff. If it smells funny and has gone lumpy, chuck it away. If it hasn't, then drink it, regardless of what the date on the bottle says.

Then there's stuff like fruit and vegetagbles. For heaven's sake, if you're too thick to notice when your fruit and veg have gone off, you really need help.

I digress. So, back to our Freegans. Would you go dumpster diving for food? Well, I'm not sure I would, unless I was desperate. I'd take packaged stuff, but I'm not so sure about loose stuff - you don't know what it's been in contact with.

This does open up a wider argument though. Why is so much perfectly good food thrown away? If they can't sell it in time, why do they over-stock? Why don't they drastically reduce the price to sell it off? Perhaps in this consumer-driven age, the punter is given too much choice. Do we really need 27 different brands and 150 different flavours of tomato sauce to put on our pasta? I think not, despite what people might say about competition and valid business. The world has gone mad.

Negative side-effect of the smoking ban

I did think that the ban on smoking in enclosed public and workplaces was wonderful. However, part of me is starting to change my mind. Why? Because of the drop-in centre opposite my office. When they could smoke indoors, it was dirty, smoggy and smelly. Now, they congregate outside to indulge their addiction. However, they don't just have their fag and then go back inside, oh no, they stand outside all day shouting at each other.

There's one woman in particular who has got to be the most boring person on the planet, and she shouts to everyone rather than just talking to them. "What did you have for tea? Oh, I had pie too. What type of pie? Oh that's nice. Are you having pie again this week? I might, but then I might not."

All of this is at full volume, and I can hear every damn word, even with the window shut. The problem is, it's so hot at the moment, I have to have the window open, so when I'm on the phone to a client, they keep pausing and saying "sorry, I thought someone was talking to you in the office". No, it's just the noisy bitch from across the main road who doesn't have a volume switch.

Right now, I have this almost irrepressible urge to stick my head out of the window and yell "Shut the fuck up you boring imbecile". Unfortunately, I don't think it'd do me any favours. My assistant suggested buying a super-soaker and squirting her every time she got too loud, to see if it would train her, like you train a dog not to piddle in your flowerbed. I'm seriously considering it. And no, Spike, before you suggest it, I am not going to borrow your air rifle, tempting as that is.

Welcome Womble!

Yay, another Womble on the scene. Hail and welcome! Slowly, the Wombles are taking over...

Go and have a look at t'other Womble's blog :o)

In the Bleak Midsummer

The Bosun was bored at work, and produced this rather marvellous songette...

In the bleak midsummer,
frosty wind made moan,
Earth squelched soft as porridge,
water up to my knees;
rain had fallen, rain on rain,
rain on blooming rain,
In the bleak midsummer, just a day ago.

Our river banks cannot hold up,
nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away
when down comes to rain.
In the bleak midsummer
a stable place sufficed
For half the residents of Gloucester who’d been flooded out.

Politicians and reporters
have certainly gathered there,
rescue helicopters and reporters
thronged the air;
But its not this month only,
and in maiden head,
residents are mopping up because of this.

In the bleak midsummer,
frosty wind made moan,
Earth squelched soft as porridge,
water up to my knees;
rain had fallen, rain on rain,
rain on blooming rain,
In the bleak midsummer, just a day ago.

Which bit of 'no' are you not able to understand?

There's a bloke bugging me at work. He asks a question, I say no. So he asks again, and I say no. So he asks again, and I say no, and so on. You get the idea.

Now he's told me he doesn't want to talk to me any more, he wants to talk to my boss, so he can have an 'adult' conversation about it instead. Fine, talk to my boss, it won't make any difference to the answer. The only thing this person has achieved by his petulant e-mails, all of which, incidentally, the boss has seen, is to annoy us all and lead us to the impression that he is a patronising wanker with nothing better to do.

We've all seen whiney little kids who go on and on, thinking that if they keep on asking they'll wear their parents down until they say yes. Well I'm sorry, but it won't work on me. I have given you my answer, and it doesn't matter who else you speak to, the answer will still be no. So piss off and crawl back under your rock.

There. I had to get that off my chest.

Quotation of the week

Frankie Boyle, on Mock the Week last night:

"Boris Johnson is ... the sort of person who, like, 200 years ago, would have died aged thirty leading a cavalry charge into a volcano..."

Further information on armed attack

The Burning Times has captured exclusive CCTV footage of the vicious attack on Homer Simpson at Cerne Abbas.

Desecration of our heritage ... ?

Pagan Prattle reports that the neopagans are all upset again because someone has used the Cerne Abbas Giant for advertising purposes.

Bloody funny though. Tip of the hat to HappyToast for creating this gif:



The Grauniad has a caption comp, and there's some wonderful suggestions in there. I think my favourites are:

• 'Quoitus Interruptus'
• 'Come on, if you think yer hard enough!'
• 'Homererotic'
• 'Dild'oh!'.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Asda in Stockport, hang your heads in shame. Take down that bloody Christmas tree, pack it back into its box and don't get it out again until December.

Outbreak of sanity in the USA

Mika Brzezinski, newsreader for MSNBC has finally done what the whole world has been waiting for. She refused to lead on a story about the pathetic little drunkard mentioned elsewhere in this blog.

Well done, Ms. Brzezinski! It's just a shame that your producer and co-presenters are morons who think that people actually care about the little twerp.

A wake-up call to the music industry

Apparently the music industry is up in arms because the Mail on Sunday is to give away free copies of Prince's new album, 'Planet Earth'.

The Entertainment Retailers' Association thinks that it will kill music sales. Well maybe they should have thought of that when they fixed all the prices at ridiculously over-inflated amounts.

Their representative said "It is an insult to all those record stores who have supported Prince throughout his career." Bollocks! The only people they supported were themselves. That's what businesses do. They couldn't give a shit if a musician succeeded or failed, they just want to make money by bumping up the prices to rake in as much as possible, and the failure of one artist won't matter, because there's hundreds more waiting to step into their place.

Perhaps if they started selling the music at a more realistic price, more people would buy it. I mean, why should I go to a shop and buy a CD for £15 when I can download it from the internet for considerably less?

Wake up, music industry, and smell the coffee. You've overcharged for too long, and now you're getting your just rewards. Fail to evolve and you become extinct.

I have to say, for my part, I have never particularly liked Prince's music, but fair play to the man, and fair play to the Mail on Sunday too.

Arse!

There's a tramp in my town, who wanders around with his arse hanging out of his trousers. In fact he's frequently seen with something else hanging out of his trousers too, and he has been arrested for it at least twice to my knowledge. Thing is, you see, he has a mental illness and there's not a lot people can do about it. I actually feel sorry for him, cos he doesn't appear to have much of a life. I wonder if he knows that he's actually a fashion icon?

It has come to my attention that teenagers the world over are copying this bloke, walking around with their trousers sagging around their arses, and their grotty underwear showing. Every time I see one of these moronic people, usually spotty teenagers, I have the urge to grab their trousers by the waistband and jump them into their trousers, like mothers do with toddlers. For Pete's sake, learn to dress yourselves. I don't want to have to see your scruffy underpants and saggy arse jeans, you remind me of Claude Greengrass! Failing that, don't blame me if you get given wedgies on a regular basis; you're too much of a temptation.

Anyway, Politicians in the US state of Virginia are taking a stand against these scruffy oiks who wander around showing their grundies in public. I'm glad someone's finally doing something about this because it drives me mad.

Democrat Lionell Spruill is obviously missing the point though. He says it is a law that targets black people. Don't be bloody stupid man! Everyone I've seen dressed in this way has been white, and usually pretty ugly. Maybe they do it to take attention away from their poxy boat races.

MySpace

I can't make my mind up whether MySpace is a good thing or not. I mean, I can look in on my friends occasionally and see what they've been up to, and find out where my favourite bands are playing. I get invitations to parties and nights out and stuff like that, and I think that's ace.

However, there are a couple of things that drive me mad about MySpace. First of all there's the people who only want to be my friend so that they can send me their spam, nude photos (yawn) and so that they can say "look how many MySpace friends I have". Get a life! Oh yeah, and if you want to send me nude photos, I'd prefer them to be of sexy blokes with decent bods, not skinny girls, cos they just don't do anything for me, OK? Bruce Dickinson or James Hetfield would be fine examples, or even Jon Bon Jovi, but lay off the anorexic bints with chests like xylophones, willya?

Then there's those 'Spaces' that play music automatically when you open the page. I use Firefox and I'm in the habit of having several pages open at once, so when you've got 5 different tunes all competing for your eardrums at the same time, it's not nice. Most of the time, I have my sound on mute. However, I have discovered some rather excellent bands through MySpace, like Winterstrain and the Deathstars. So, I'm just going to have to put up with it.

Backgrounds - they can be really nice, but some people have such garish backgrounds to their MySpace pages, that you can't actually read the text. Quit it!

The other thing that pisses me off is the bulletin board. I only log into MySpace about once a week, sometimes less frequently than that, and each time I go in there, there's a huge pile of bulletins and most of them are utter shite. OK, so let's deal with these in turn:

No, I won't repost your bulletin about false friends. I get at least one of these messages every week. If you think that, by reposting your message and spamming my friends, it proves to you that I'm your friend, you're wrong. My friends are real people. I meet them in person and we take the piss out of each other, get drunk together, help each other out and generally have a spiffingly good time. I also have friends who live further away, and regular visits are not practical, but we keep in touch by phoning each other, chatting online and occasionally making the effort to meet up somewhere halfway. Friends are not judged by their ability to repost spam on bulletin boards.

Then there's the bulletins in the form 'fill in the answers to these dumb questions' and spam all your mates with them. These just get deleted. They're for vacuous people who have no life. If you really want to find out who I fancy, ask me directly and I'll probably tell you. Generally, when I fancy someone, they'll know about it, and just because I fancy someone, doesn't mean that I'm after them. I'm perfectly happy with my current slave, thanks very much.

Not all of the bulletin messages are bad, though. For example, they've been a great network for publicising gigs. parties and general get-togethers. There's a message out there at the moment asking people to keep an eye out for some stuff a band had stolen and yes, I've reposted that, because it's worth it.

So, do I block the people who are constantly posting shite in the bulletin board, and risk offending them, or do I put up with it and just ignore their posts?

Maybe I'll just turn off the PC and go and ride my bike instead.

Judge orders Paris back to jail.

The poor little rich girl was last seen wailing for her mummy. How pathetic. The way she's carrying on, you'd think she'd been sentenced to death, not 45 days in jail.

I can't help but laugh at her.

Who says money doesn't talk?

So, Paris Hilton has been released from jail after serving only three days, because of an 'undisclosed' medical problem, and will now be under house-arrest at home instead.

Why doesn't Miss Hilton get treated the same as all the other prisoners? Or are you telling me that Los Angeles prison service just sends all prisoners home when they're ill? I bet they don't. Not unless they happen to be celebrity millionaire heiress drink-drivers. I bet some ordinary Joe would get to wait out their illness in their cell, not in the lap of bloody luxury.

And here was me thinking it was just the UK law that was an ass, but no, it seems US law is too.

This lass summed it up right for me, and look at little girl lost's face. She was not happy. Jack Nicholson, however, was laughing his tits off.

Thank you so much...

to the kind, helpful person who turned off the central heating boiler at work over the bank holiday weekend. I'm sure you meant well, trying to save energy, but, in reality, you're a complete dickhead!

Thanks to you, when we came into work on Tuesday, the whole building was bloody freezing and it took three hours before the rooms were at a temperature where we could take off our coats. My fingers were so cold that I couldn't type.

The heating is on a timer system and has a thermostat too, so it only comes on at specific times, and only then if the building is colder than the temperature specified on the thermostat. It's set that way for a reason. It's a very very old building, and when it gets cold, it stays cold, and then no-one can work in it.

If you wanted to turn off the heating, you could have just pressed the button marked 'advance'. That's the one which has a sign on it saying 'press this button to turn off the heating'. But no, you had to turn off the whole bloody boiler, so there was no hot water, no heating, no nothing, until I went to investigate why the place was so bloody cold.

Thanks a bloody bunch. Next time, LEAVE IT ALONE!

Bastard.

Drowning in a sea of junk mail

When I first moved into my current home, I was horrified at the amount of junk mail that came through the letterbox. Every Thursday, I would come home from work to find two free newspapers and a massive pile of flyers for local shops and businesses stacked up behind the door. It all went straight from the letterbox to the recycling bin.

In the end, I got fed up of it all and placed a sticker on the letterbox, stating "No free newspapers or advertising flyers, please".

So why is it that I still get morons shoving stuff through? Can they not read? I suspect not.

OK, I no longer get the free newspapers, but I still get adverts for tree surgeons (Hello? Do you see any trees in my garden? No!), pizza takeaways (I'm allergic to tomatoes), carpet cleaning services (I have wooden floors), double glazing (that'll be the same as the double glazing that you just walked past to deliver the leaflet), driveway layers (you just walked up my driveway, didn't you?).

I also get those little catalogues put through, from local people selling perfumes or household knick-knacks. I never, ever buy anything from them. I knew that these people are just trying to make an honest crust, but surely they must notice that I just put them straight back outside? Sometimes they sit outside my house for weeks, until they either get collected or I get fed up and chuck them in the recycling.

Let me tell you this. If I want to purchase a product or service, I will approach a firm myself. Anyone who ignores my polite little sticker will most definitely NOT get my business. If you don't care enough to respect my wishes over a little thing like not wanting your junk mail, then I'm sure I can't trust you to care enough about doing a good job. All leaflets and flyers still go straight from doormat to recycling bin.

Then there's those little leaflets announcing a 'charitable collection of clothing' - which really means 'we're a profit-making organisation which will take away your unwanted clothing and then sell it to people who can't afford to buy new stuff'. Sorry, I only give my unwanted stuff away to registered charities - at least they sell the stuff on at a fair price and put the money to good use, instead of just pocketing it.

FFS, just stop putting this crap through my door - it's a sure-fire way of ensuring I won't buy your product.

Take a few minutes to stop and think

Thanks to Mark for finding this.

Babies are evil

OK, most of us knew this anyway, but this really is going too far! Honestly, microwaving your kids and blaming it on Satan is just not acceptable!

Some people really are too gullible and stupid to be allowed to have children. This pair should be in secure accommodation somewhere well away from everyone else.

and people ask why I love Lancashire...

This is why:

Feeling better :o)

Still a bit bunged up, but not hurting any more :o)

still lurgified

but the dobber has been replaced by a cactus. Deep joy.

The Dreaded Lurgi

OK, which one of you lot gave me the lurgi? My throat looks like a war zone and I feel poo. My glands are all swollen on the right side of my neck and it feels like I have a dobber stuck in my throat and I'm having difficulty swallowing - yoghurt and coffee for breakfast today, not that I really feel like eating.

No snogs for me then :o(

What time does Boots open?

Please help to find a missing child

I know that people all over the world look in on this blog from time to time, so perhaps you could take a few moments to look at these photographs.

4 year-old Madeline McCann was abducted from an hotel room in Praia da Luz, Portugal on 3 May 2007. It is possible that she is no longer in Portugal, so please look at the pictures and if you see someone whom you think is this child, please contact the Crimestoppers on +44 1883 731 336. People with information about Madeleine can call anonymously.

Fiddling around

Had a great time at the NABD, even got to fiddle with STEViE in public - oo-er missus! Great pics too, cheers Yoda :o)

Speed kills ...

or does it?

This article about the rising number of motorcyclists killed on the roads in Wales, states that breaking the speed limit was a factor in 4% of the incidents.

That means that breaking the speed limit was NOT a factor in 96% of the incidents.

So, why is Richard Brunstrom so determined to harass bikers all the time? Perhaps he should concentrate on the other factors that were involved, like myopic drivers and poor road surfaces.

NABD

Off to the rally. Byeeeeee.

Pathetic drunk

An online petition has been set up to ask for a pardon for Paris Hilton's 45-day prison sentence for three violations of a drink driving conviction because she 'enlivens mundane lives'. The petition says she "provides hope for young people all over the US and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives".

How sad and pathetic are they? Do they really think that the poor little rich girl really gives a shit about them? Sure, she might be pleased that a few people seem to like her but, in reality, just a sad pathetic drunk who didn't think that the law applied to her. She couldn't give a toss about the mundane lives of the plebs who look up to her.

They also believes that she's been made a scapegoat to highlight the dangers of drink-driving. Sorry folks, they're just treating her like any other sad pathetic drink-driver who continues to flout the law.

She broke the law, she has to pay the price and go to jail and, hopefully, learn a lesson from it and not do it again.

But perhaps one should have sympathy for someone whose father chose to name her after a hotel (and an ugly hotel at that), and who accidentally made a sex-video of herself and accidentally had it published on the Internet just in time to get all the publicity for her new film. Yeah, right.

World's Shortest Fairytale.......

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,lunching, drank martinis. Always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased. Did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, and had all the hot water to herself.

She watched chick flicks, never wore lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants, and farted whenever she wanted.

The End

Loft update

My mate Dave came round last night and had a poke around in the loft. I'm very relieved to learn that there is no evidence of squirrel in the loft, and the birds' nests are between the roofing felt and the tiles. We've decided to leave them be until the birds fledge, and then Dave will fetch his ladders round, remove the nests and bung up the holes. There was also a small, extinct wasps' nest.

I really must get round to boarding my loft though. I had visions of Dave plummeting through into the bedroom. He's a bit braver than me!

So, big thanks to Dave and Jules for coming round to have a look and making me feel a whole lot better about it :o)

House under attack

My neighbour's daughter, Natalie, knocked on my door about 20 minutes ago, to tell me that there was a squirrel trying to get into my house. I stepped outside, looked up and sure enough, the offending beastie was on the edge of the roof. As we watched, it scuttered down the wall and then, from about 12 feet up, it launched itself onto the path and ran away.

Natalie's dad then invited me to walk down their driveway to see the state of my roof. Now, I've always been aware of a small piece of loose mortar and had it down as a 'round to it' job. However, it was far worse than I'd thought. From the vantage point of their driveway, I could see that there's actually two whole tiles-worth of mortar missing. I have at least two nest in the soffits, starlings and tits. If the birds can get in, so can squirrels.

I'm not a very happy bunny now, because Vic told me that the mortar was missing before I moved in - so why didn't the surveyor pick it up? Apparently the previous owner was well aware of the missing mortar and the birds' nests, but never bothered to do anything about it.

I am currently feeling not very fluffy at all. I don't like the idea of turfing out the baby birds until they're ready to leave, but I really don't want squirrels rampaging in my house :o(

I think I'm going to have to get a few quotations from roofers to see what needs to be done and how much it's going to cost me. I think I could do with a lottery win.

chewing things over

David Crausby, the Labour MP for Bolton North East, has launched a campaign to put a tax on chewing gum, in order to cover the costs of clearing the stuff off the pavements.

Nice idea! Strangely, it's exactly the same idea that the Liberal Democrats had back in 2005.

and whilst I'm on the subject of time off work

My rant about smoking also applies, in a way to parents. Just because my colleages have kids and I don't, doesn't mean that I should have to cover all their work when they have to rush off home to see to little Billy's snotty nose or grazed knee.

Yes, I know kids need looking after, I don't have a problem with that, but I don't see why I (or other childless workers) should have to do extra work for no extra pay.

I worked in one place where a lass was constantly being summoned to pick up her child from school, or leaving early to take the child to bloody ballet or swimming class. Everyone was pissed off with it, yet we couldn't do anything about it. I'm sorry, but if you can't work the hours your job specifies, change your hours or get a different job.

A child is, in the main, a lifestyle choice, not a necessity. If you choose to have 'em, you also choose to manoeuvre your life around them. That's fine. Just don't expect me to have to manoeuvre my life around them too. Your kids, your responsiblity and, on occasion, your problem.

I know some people who have given up their jobs completely in order to look after young children. It's not an option for some people, but those I've seen who have done it, have managed to bring order into their lives - not an easy thing to do with kids.

Me, I'm childless by choice. I can do what I want, pretty much when I want and I can keep the bottle of bleach and the box of aspirin wherever I want. So many of my friends whinge about how lucky I am that I can do all the things I do, and I just smile and say "yes". Selfish? Damn right.

Despite my lack of interest in kids I will, of course be happy to babysit for anyone. My rates are £5,000 call-out fee + £1,000 per ten minutes thereafter ;o)

Non-smoker? Here, have some extra work!

So, it has now been suggested that, in advance of the smoking ban on 1 July 2007, smokers should be given time off work to quit the habit.

Tell me this, then? Whilst all the nicotine addicts are off work, just whom do they think is going to do all the bloody work? Yep, all the poor non-smokers. Will they get any extra pay to take account of the extra work they'll be doing? I very much doubt it.

Years ago, I worked at a firm where smoking was allowed in the office. Several people complained, so the boss ordered that all smokers had to go outside to get their fix. It made the office environment so much nicer. However, the smokers used to be outside for about ten minutes a fag, at least four times a day. So they got an hour's dinner and 40 mins fag time. Yet, if any of the non-smokers got caught idling by the coffee machine for two minutes, they got lambasted.

On one occasion, my boss made a sarcastic comment about me not doing my work and said "what exactly are you doing then?" To which I replied "I'm having my fag break." "You don't smoke!" He said. "No, I don't, but if they can have 10 minutes away from the desk once an hour, so can I." He looked me up and down, smiled and said "OK, yeah, fair enough, but don't take the piss". I think I made my point.

I think it's great that smoking is going to banned in public places and workplaces; I might even start going out to the pub more often when I can guarantee I won't come back stinking like a stale ashtray. However, I don't see why the non-smoking workers should have to suffer workload-wise so that the smokers can give up outside the office. Surely the best place for them is IN the office, where they're not allowed to smoke - no temptation to light up there.

It is better to be thought a fool...

Why is it that people ask really stupid questions without actually thinking about it first?

Very often, people ring my office and ask when we hold advice surgeries. So I respond:

"The first Saturday of each month, at 10:30", and the dimwits say "Is that in the morning?"

or "The third Friday of each month, at 4.30", and the dimwits say "Is that in the afternoon?"

Of course not! We work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Work it out, stupid!

Grrrrrr.

Please help to catch a dangerous criminal

Got this on the wires, any info, please contact the Yorkshire Scooter Alliance.

Just got news through that one of the guys and his 12 year old, yes 12 years old passenger got kicked off by a power ranger near Rawdon on the outskirts of Leeds, the pair of them are going to be in hospital for about a week, thought those days were long gone, really taken the edge off a fantastic day.

Further info :

blue and white bike / blue helmet with black visor

The lads were relatively lucky in that the rider only had broken ribs and bad gravel rash, and the nipper only had skid burns to his back, that that's nasty enough as it is. If the perpetrator gets caught, I hope s/he gets done for attemped murder, because that's what it sounds like to me - deliberately causing an accident and then leaving the scene.

If you know who it was, do the right thing and tell the Police on 0845 6060606, Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111 or the Yorkshire Scooter Association.

Paranoia rules!

I wish the media would piss off and stop fueling paranoia in the UK. There's news stories today about a firm marketing slash-proof hoodies, to protect paranoid teenagers. Only last week, there was a new mobile phone incorporating a GPS 'bug' designed for little kids, so that parents can track their movement. FFS! They're little kids, the parents should know where they are - either at school or with a parent or minder. Little kids can't be made to carry bloomin' phones - they'd either get left somewhere or not taken out at all.

Get real, folks. Let kids be kids. If they're too young to be left unsupervised, don't give them technology to keep tabs on them - who will you sue when it fails? Parents need to be more responsible for the little ones. The older ones should be set free, not tied down with spy bugs and paranoia.

How the hell did people of my generation ever survive? We used to go off for hours, get mucky, have fun and go home for tea. We didn't need to be tied to our mothers' apron strings all the time.

Rules for life - teenagers take note

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The World won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make £60,000 a year right out of secondary school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss.

Rule 5: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 6: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 7: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 8: Life is not divided into terms. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that in your own time.

Rule 9: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 10: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you can read this - thank an apolitical, non gender-obsessed, sexual orientation indifferent and pragmatic teacher with a firm grip on reality.

Bread

Last year, the lovely Ug gave me a breadmaker. He'd never really got on with it, so I thought I'd give it a go. The first couple of loaves were an absolute disaster but, for the past six months or so, I've enjoyed lovely fresh preservative-free bread.

Today, being absolutely starving mad hungry and not prepared to wait the three hours to make a loaf, I went to the supermarket and bought a small white loaf. When I tried to slice it, the loaf just squashed under my hands and wouldn't cut, so I thought 'buggerit' and got my little electrical slicer out - one of those with a circular blade - great for slicing fingers off. However, the loaf still deformed and I ended up with a strange-shaped slice.

Having managed to cut a couple of slices, I tried to spread the butter on it, and the bread just ripped, even though the butter was soft and I was being really gentle. The bread was all squidgy and soggy and really unappealing. Still, I was hungry and persevered. I wish I hadn't bothered. The bread was gooey and tasteless and before I'd even finished eating the slice, I felt quite sick. I think I'll stick to home-made, if that's the best the supermarket can manage. The birds will have a bit of extra food today, because I have no intention of eating any more of that revolting loaf, but I wonder if they'll be able to take off after eating it.

Bleugh.

Sad loss of an old friend

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to mourn the passing of an old and faithful friend. Magimix, my trusty food processor mixed its last batch of gingernuts on Sunday morning, after thirteen years of loyal service. In its final moments, dear old Magimix expired in a puff of smoke and a nasty smell before being carried out into the garden to the wails of "Oh bugger!"

You will be sadly missed, old friend. Rust in pieces.

Chocolate Jesus

I had to laugh at this.

The report on the Today programme described the statue as 'anatomically correct'. How the hell would they know? No-one even knows what the bloke looked like, let alone the size of his todger!

It's just a publicity stunt for the artist. He depicts a naked hippy and tells everyone it's Jesus and he proposes to unveil it during Holy Week. The Christian groups all go mad and way hay, instant world publicity for the artist. Nice work if you can get it!

However, I do agree that it's rather insensitive to make a sculpture out of chocolate when millions of Christians the world over have given up eating chocolate for Lent. Talk about temptation...

Wicca Lite

This was on UK Pagan, from where I have shamelessly copied and pasted it because it made me giggle.

Wicca Lite... Looks like Wicca, but with half the commitment and one-third the responsibilities...

Rather than celebrate festivals and moon cycles on their given date, W.L's settle for observing these activities whenever they can schedule time between their Pilates class and their appointment at the tanning salon.

Skyclad is reserved for those who are either young and perky, or those who are old and surgically perky.

Hand-made and lovingly decorated ceremonial robes are substituted with plain white sheets... to facilitate the transition to the toga party afterwards.

The traditional hand-written Book of Shadows has been replaced by... yeah,you guessed it... "The Idiot's Guide to the Book of Shadows"... Available through Amazon.com (buy in bulk, and qualify for free shipping).

Cakes and ale has been substituted with granola and green tea... or donuts and Red Bull... or tostitos and Coors Lite... depending on the circle.

The sword, wand, athame, bolline (or burin), salt and water bowls, besom, bell, cord, thurible, and pentacle are no longer used for ritual... These items are a pain in the butt hauling around, and besides, no one really knows how to pronounce half the words, or what to do with the objects anyhow...

By the same token, the altar has been considered superfluous, since it blocks the TV, which works just fine for holding the cakes and ale. Besides, access is needed to the DVD player, so everyone can watch that fantastic documentary, "The Witches of Eastwick".

Circles are too hard to form in the living room, so the Sacred Square has been adopted. For the convenience of the coveners, the furniture has been sanctified, so everyone can be comfy during the ritual.

Summoning spirits is strongly discouraged! No ones knows how to speak Enochian, or even ancient Hebrew, or even modern Hebrew, or even proper English, and it has been determined that the spirits do not respond well to text messages or email, so who needs 'em? They also have a nasty tendency of hiding in the corners of the Sacred Square, and no amount of Febreze will convince them to leave...

No deities will be called into the circle (or Sacred Square, as the case may be) whose names possess more consonants than vowels, or who possess any aspect other than the one of Peace, Love, and Warm Fuzzy Feelings. At the moment, our high priest and priestess are still searching for at least one suitable deity to fit our parameters... Glenda (not quite a deity, but close enough) is our most promising candidate, although we're a bit suspicious of her almost gleeful reaction to when that house fell on her sister...

Scrying, divination, astral travel, meditation, and other self-enlightening exercises have been deemed too time-consuming (not to mention, darn hard!),and have been substituted with drugs, therapy, and a copy of "The Idiot's Guide To Why Nothing Is Your Fault Or Responsibility".

We will gather together from time to time to discuss candle magic, crystal magic, healing magic, herb lore, and the like. Our discussion will include why these magics are too inconvenient to actually practice, and we will conclude our discussion with personal accounts of why life is hard and there's nothing we can do about it.

Other discussions will include:

• "Why we love the Fey" (because they're so CUTE!)
• "How to approach your Totem Animal in the Wild"
• "Which deities will accept ritual substitutions, and which ones will fry your ass for the insult"
• "Alternatives to cleansing with sage" (Lysol, Febreze, Fairy Dust, Nag Champa, etc)
• "Can your home security system be programmed to act as a Watch Tower during rituals?"
• "The ethics of using a Banishing Ritual on your in-laws; how to protect yourself from the Three-fold Law"(see our website "Wicca Lite for Life" for more discussion updates).

Wicca Lite is open to all comers, except smokers, who have been linked with Global Warming and will be the cause of the death of us all.

Bright blessings of Fairy Twinkles to all...

Lady Whitebutt of the Towelhead Tradition

Bloody CD cases

Why is it that whenever I order CDs by mail order, the cases are knackered, even when they're packaged in loads of cardboard and bubblewrap? It's always the little round bit that holds the CD in place. You open the case and are showered by lots of little bits of plastic as the CD drops to the floor. Grrrr.

Can't they come up with a better design than that?

A First for Oz!

Congratulations on getting a 1st in your BSc degree!

So, about that assignment-writing service ... ;o)

and now it's official

Remember that BBC Watchdog survey I mentioned? Well the results were published tonight and guess which company came out as the worst broadband provider? Yes, it was Orange who had a massive 12,313 people who agreed that they were shite. Quelle surprise! NOT!

What really shocked me though, was the bloke from Orange who was still insisting that they were a wonderful company and just misunderstood. Piss off. You're crap. The physical service is crap, the customer service is crap and your accounts department is crap. Give Smurf his money back, you lame ducks.

Orange are still shite

Smurf has had a letter. Apparently they're very sorry for screwing everything up and, as a gesture of goodwill, they're going to write off the £27.99 that THEY owe HIM.

How nice of them

Flashbacks of the 60s?

Hmmm, I think the kids' TV programme-makers have been at the acid again.

Eh? Pardon?

Turn the telly down dear, the adverts are too loud again.

But not for much longer. Despite many of the TV companies denying that the adverts were at a considerably higher volume that the programmes they interrupted, the Advertising Standards Authority received large numbers of complaints. The telly companies appeared to be working on the theory that when the adverts come on, that's when people go and make a brew or go to the loo, so the adverts needed to be louder in order to reach the person in the kitchen. However, what they failed to realise is that most people just hit the mute button to avoid being deafened.

As a result of all the complaints, the Broadcast Committee of Advertising Practice has told them to turn it down, and the International Telecommunications Union has set some guidelines for 'subjective loudness'.

Yippee!

Now, can they do something about the shouty men in the double glazing adverts (like Cannon & Ball, for a start). It's not good advertising, it's just annoying. I turn those off too, so sorry Mr. Advertiser, I have no intention of buying products from people with irritating adverts.

For Summer...

Not seen you around for ages hon, hope you're OK. I may be wrong, but I suspect I know why you've gone quiet, but don't worry, Uncle Yoda has it all under control. Come back, please? We miss you!

Castaway 2007

Well, what a disappointment. Castaway 2000 was a superb programme - a bunch of people thrown together on the island of Taransay and left to build a community. The whole point of the experiment was to see how they would deal with the isolation.

Castaway 2007 is totally different. OK, so it's in New Zealand and not in the Hebrides, but what is all the crap with a presenter? You don't have a presenter when you're castaway! And the presenter is an irritating cunt too. What's all the shit with setting tasks and voting people off the island? They've turned it into little better than a cheap gameshow. Oh BBC, what have you done? I'm not sure I'll bother to watch any more, except maybe to see if Ken gives Jonathan the thump he deserves. Don't get me wrong, Jonathan is a very practical man who seems to understand what needs to be done to survive; he's a do-er but he's got a right arrogant demeanour too. He needs to stop trying to assert himself and lead by example.

Gemma seemed a bit dim, and couldn't understand why losing their fresh water was a problem, asking "well can't we just refill it?" Oh yeah, of course! Why didn't anyone else think of that? Where from, you daft bint?

None of them seemed to have a clue about being economical when lighting fires - using up their one match almost straight away. They could have split the match into four, for a start. They could have used a friction method, blimey, even I can do that! At least they had the sense to light a candle to get the oven going. One bloke appeared to have a firesteel but didn't seem to know what to do with it.

Grrrr. I'm too tired to rant any more. Perhaps I should watch the next instalment - it would be a shame to waste such a valuable source of rant-fodder.

No more 'Dancing on Ice'?

Hurrah!

ITV has stopped all its premium-rate interactive phone lines for competitions and voting on stupid TV programmes like Dancing on Ice, which are designed to generate revenue rather than to entertain. Will this be the death of the 'I'm a Faded Celebrity, Get Me Back on TV' genre?

I truly hope so.

Shite ISP?

Tell BBC Watchdog what you think. I have. Oh yes indeedy.

and on the subject of diet...

Maybe the mother of this obsese child should take note too.

She said:

"Connor had a mouthful of apple once and he didn't like it. "He refuses to eat fruit, vegetables and salads - he has processed foods. "When Connor won't eat anything else, I've got to give him the foods he likes. "I can't starve him."

Tough, Mrs. McKeown! He's a child and YOU are responsible for him. Believe me, he won't starve, he has enough stored lard to keep him going for months. Don't buy the crap food in the first place, then he won't have an alternative. He either eats it, or goes hungry. Trust me, he will start to eat the good stuff when he realises there won't be anything else. You'll also find your shopping bills go down too, so you can spend the spare money on new clothes for him as he loses weight.

It's not cruel to deprive him of his so-called 'treats' - it's cruel to allow him to continue the way he is.

Mrs. McKeown, YOU are entirely responsible for your son's condition. Take a step back and look at what you've done and take action now before you condemn him to a very early grave.

Quotation of the Day

"There's no shortcut. You achieve good health through eating healthy food. There isn't a pill you can take to counteract an unhealthy diet."
Prof Christopher Gardner of Stanford University School of Medicine

Don't let Orange take the pith

Dunno who designed this pic, but I think it's spot on!

What a nice day :o)

Early morning, sun shining, good company and a tank full of petrol :o)
Afternoon, Rivvi, bikes, more sunshine, home, tea, chat with the girls on't'net and now it's time for early bed at 10pm.

Night all :o)

Fecking adverts

Why is it that when you're watching a programme on a commercial channel and the adverts come on, they're so loud that they nearly blow you out of your seat?

Lots of people have asked this question and there have been a few suggested answers. One is that they aren't louder at all. Oh yes they bloody well are! Another is that the programmers assume that you're walking off to go and put the kettle on, so they make it louder so that you still hear it. Well get this - when the adverts come on, more often than not, I hit the mute button cos it's too fecking loud and I can't be arsed pissing around changing the volume all the time. Keep the volume at a normal level and I might leave it on.

Oh yeah, and Woody, you're right mate, the Kia Cee'd advert is most definitely the most annoying advert to date. That's another one I turn off now.

S.A.D.

You know, I'm pretty certain that I suffer from S.A.D. I hate the winter months, getting up and going to work in the dark, coming home in the dark. It's horrible. I feel permanently tired and dejected, and all I seem to do is work and sleep.

Today, I awoke just before 9am. It was bright and sunny and I felt on top of the world. I went for a walk in the woods with my neighbour's dog, spent 2 hours in the garden shaving the bark off a birch staff and chucking the ball for the dog.

Sometimes the simple pleasures make life seem so much better.

Orange are even more shite than I thought

OK, the story so far:

• Orange completely ignored my three written complaints about their appalling service;
• they disconnected me several times, whilst denying that there was any problem with the connection at all;
• Smurf rang them to cancel the service and get the migration code to transfer to another provider;
• they gave us the code, apologised profusely and promised us a free month's broadband, and then cut us off a few days later;
• they rang 3 times to ask why the bill hadn't been paid and we told them that we don't owe them anything, in fact I suspect that they owe us £27.99, because we never got that free month's broadband;
• they've been told 3 times that Smurf doesn't live here any more and that the broadband service ceased many months ago and that I am now happily with a reliable and friendly ISP.

So what now? They've written to Smurf at my address (remember I told them he no longer lives here) telling him that if he doesn't pay, they'll cut the service off. HELLO? YOU ALREADY DID THAT MONTHS AGO! Yes, I know I'm shouting, but Orange just won't listen. We do not have a service with Orange. We cancelled the service, Orange owe us a month's money. We may take legal action against Orange if they don't piss off and stop harassing us.

Remember folks: Orange Broadband = awful service, even worse customer service, harassment and piss-poor organisation. Do not use Orange Broadband if you value your sanity.

What does it all mean?

This article piqued my interest. It says that the experts are struggling "to explain the meaning behind some of its details" - referring to various designs by Charles Rennie Mackintosh for a church in Glasgow, including one of birds and bees. Apparently he left no written record of what the designs mean.

There are lots of theories, including [yawn] fertility/sexual reproduction, and claiming that the church is 'Pagan in feeling'.

Has anyone ever considered this? There might not actually be a meaning! He might just have done it because he liked it. I love some of CRM's work, but I don't have to find a hidden meaning, I just find it pleasing to the eye. Why is there always this search for meaning? It's just nice, so accept it.

Sign this petition!

Because it's the right thing to do!

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/MountainRescue/

Imbolc blessings

The chuck-out & cleanup starts now :o)

Here's my Green Man, in his summer garb.

Words fail me

Car makes entrance

Those bloody brake lights again

Now why on earth didn't I think of this?

Quotation of the Day

I have, for many years now, become very frustrated with both national and local newpapers when they misquote, take quotations out of context and generally screw up articles because they simply get the basic facts wrong.

I am a living example of how the press gets it wrong - apparently, as a baby, I was seriously injured in a bad car accident, which is pretty amazing, considering the fact that I wasn't even in the car at the time (I was at home) and the bad car accident was a slight bump resulting in a cracked indicator lens.

Tom Reynolds, star of the Internet and publishing world has discovered a wonderful quotation, attributed to Richard Sambrook, and I had to repeat it here because I love it.

"Bloggers suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, journalists suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder."

New booby trap

The terrorists have sunk to a new low. Roadside bombs, suicide bombers, bombs strapped to babies, but this ... it's just wrong!

Thanks to Bob Mc for sending me that one :o)

If we could hold conversations with animals, would we all be vegetarians?

Love to Lead's discussion of the week :

'If we could hold conversations with animals, would we all be vegetarians?'

Of course not. The scientists would immediately begin to breed animals which could express a preference on how they wished to be cooked and perhaps suggest suitable recipes, putting the likes of Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsay out of business.

But what about the animal rights lobby? Euthanasia is already illegal for humans, so perhaps the killing of animals would become illegal too, even for the ones which tell you that they wish to die. Since when have the do-gooders ever listened to what people want for themselves?

The number of vegetarians would probably increase slightly. After all, we don't eat all of the people we kill, do we? Well, most of us don't, anyway. if we did, there wouldn't be so many problems caused by famine in third-world countries.

I'm certain that there are many people who would leave a very bad taste in the mouth. Saying that, the meat in most donner kebabs is unrecognisable anyway, there may already be a bit of human rump in there.

Press illiteracy

Today's headline in numerous media sources

"Reid: Send Less People to Jail".

Fewer! The word is 'fewer', not 'less'!

It's no wonder that some of the children of today are struggling with literacy when they are surrounded by ill-educated journalists. It's about time someone who has an O-level (or GCSE) in Engligh proof-read these articles before publishing them. I'm pleased to see the BBC got it right though.

Of course, it could be that the Minister's press release writer is the one initially to blame ...?

999 Petition

I've been an avid reader of the wonderful Nee Naw Blog for a couple of years now, and I've just spotted a post about a new petition calling upon the Government to educate people about the proper use of the 999 emergency telephone number.

Go and sign it now, please, and then go and read about when not to call 999.

Nee Naw is an excellent source of information and still manages to be humourous in the right places.

Here's a few of my favourite links from Nee Naw:

Common Beliefs Held By The General Public about Calling 999

Hoaxes and Other Abuses of the 999 Service

The 10 Commandments of Dialling 999

101 Embarrassing Sexual Accidents (I nearly wet myself laughing at parts of this one. Am I a bad Womble?)

America's dumbest criminals...

Who stole GPS systems in New York. Guess how they found them?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6290261.stm

Home Office

At last the Government has been forced to admit what we've been telling them for years. The Telegraph's 'Matt' sums it up nicely:

It's a bit windy, dear...

Well it was yesterday, anyway. When I got out of bed and peered, bleary-eyed, out of my bedroom window, I thought "I don't want to go to work, I want to stay in bed." Wearily, I dragged myself to the bathroom and did those things one does in the morning and, once clothed, set off to work.

The car journey was 'interesting', with things blowing all over the place. I was just very glad I wasn't out on the bike. It was very windy and the traffic was lighter than usual, probably because many people had actually said 'sod it' and stayed in bed. All day, at work, I could hear the wind whistling round the building and, every so often, the blinds in my office would blow inwards. By about 3.30, I'd decided I'd had enough and started packing up.

On the way home, I realised just how windy it had been. Within a few hundred yards of my workplace, a tree had snapped halfway up the trunk and was lying in the road. I went round it and a bit further up the road, at Queen's Park, another tree, very old and very large, had snapped off at ground level and was lying forlornly on the grass. There was debris scuttering all over the place and Central Park in Westhoughton had a couple of trees broken and busted at the edge of the road, and the housing estates were like wheelie-bin graveyards.

As I turned into my street, I started to feel a little sick. The house on the end of the street had a small group of people gathered outside, staring upwards at the roof, which had one corner peeled upwards like a giant sardine tin, and tiles all over the garden. Almost every house I could see had ridge and other tiles missing. My house is set back from the others and, as I approached, I breathed a huge sigh of relief - my roof was intact. In fact all 12 properties at the bottom of the street were undamaged, as far as I could see; the other 18 weren't so lucky. No matter in which direction I looked, there were damaged roofs, not just in our street, but in the surrounding streets too.

Just past 7pm, I was sitting in my chair, chatting on the telephone to HappyBiker, telling him how relieved I was not to have any structural damage to my home when, POP! The electricity went off, and so did the phone, being of the cordless variety. Bugger. I nipped outside, to see all my neighbours doing the same. 'Ho hum' thought I, and lit a couple of candles. I rummaged around in the drawer to find my old telephone, plugged it in and it rang immediately. It was HappyBiker. "Oh, so you've decided to answer this time!", says he. So I explained. Then I rang mum, more to whinge than anything else. She said 'Oh don't worry, dear, it'll come back on in a few minutes'. Ha! Yeah, right.

I had a look out of the window again and saw that a few of my neighbours seemed to have no lighting, so I grabbed a handful of candles and my lighter and knocked on a couple of doors to ask if they were OK. One neighbour, a doctor, said "It's very kind of you, I do have some candles but I'm enjoying just relaxing in the dark." Fairy nuff, sounds good to me.

Now, Internet-less, I wandered around the house like a lost child before deciding to while away the time playing my fiddle, which was quite fun, really. Eventually, I got bored and I wanted a brew, so I had a rummage in my rally kit to see if I could find my little gas cooker. Nope, it wasn't there. See, when I say 'my little gas cooker', what I really mean is 'Smurf's little gas cooker', which I suspect is sitting in Smurf's house as I type. Doh! Note to self - buy a little gas cooker! Anyway, I gave up and had a can of Pepsi instead.

Round about 10pm, I thought 'stuff it' and went to bed. Half an hour later, I was rudely awoken by a neighbour's burglar alarm, and then another, and another. Yep, we had power :o) So I went round the house checking that things were switched off and then got back in bed.

So, what have I learned from this powercut?

1. Lightswitches don't work, no matter how many times you try them.
2. My fiddle playing improves in the dark; my piano playing goes to shit.
3. It's very peaceful, when there's no electricity on. It was lovely to experience almost-total quiet.
4. A vanilla candle may smell lovely when it's lit, but when you snuff it out, the smell of the smoke ain't so good.
5. The battery indicator on the Laptop might say '2 hours remaining' but what it really means is '25 minutes remaining'
6. Keeping the house tidy is a definite advantage - I didn't fall over anything!
7. I need to buy some matches - OK, I had a cigarette lighter in the drawer, but it took me a while to find it. I'll put some matches in the candle box (ok, cupboard) then I'll know where to find them.
8. Backup batteries on alarm clocks are great - except when they reset the clock to run 10 minutes fast...

Black Sheep

Oh Defarter, thank you so much for finding this!

Eh?

Help out a future Queen's Guide

Go on, click the link.

Baseball caps and cops

Great quotation from Paul Routledge in the The Mirror:

"COPS in North Wales have been issued with American-style baseball hats instead of helmets - despite a ban on wearing such headgear in Rhyl pubs to combat hooliganism.

"As I have observed here before, the baseball hat is at all times and in all places the uniform of the idiot. But if the cap fits... "

Body beautiful

It seems that more and more women are rebelling against the so-called 'norms' of ripping out their body hair and painting their faces with expensive muck in the name of 'beauty'.

When I was at high school in the late 1980s, I had a really good Home Economics teacher (hello Mrs. Taylor!) who made a comment that the top layer of your skin is already dead, so why waste money slapping expensive chemical preparations on it? She pointed out that the key to healthy-looking skin was in your diet. Eat well, look good.

The 'hair scare' first came to light when Julia Roberts's photograph was published, showing, horror of horrors, armpit hair! "Oh my God! She has armpit hair!" the paparazzi announced. No shit, Sherlocks! Almost everyone has. Shazia Mizra, the comedian has decided that she can't be arsed shaving, plucking or waxing either. After all, it's natural, innit?

I think that Kasandra Mason has got it right. She says " I know body hair is natural, so why is so much money and time invested in getting rid of it?" ... "My comfort is more important to me than the opinions of total strangers." Spot on, missus! How I agree.

Personally, I don't shave my pits and bits because I can't be arsed either. Like Ms. Mason, I haven't worn makeup since I was 18, because I don't see the point. Women spend millions of pounds each year on makeup and beauty products. Me, I use soap, shampoo and water. That's it. (OK, so I've dyed my hair black a few times; it's dark brown naturally.)

I reckon that if you need to wear makeup, you're not confident enough in yourself. Makeup is for people who think they're not good looking, and perfume is for people who think they smell bad and need to mask it.

Unfair bank charges?

Not any more! You may remember, back in March that I told you about a move to reclaim unfair bank charges. The BBC's 'Money Programme' featured the issue on 12 December 2006 in an item entitled 'Bank Robbery!'. Even the Open University has investigated the issue.

Well, hopefully, in the near future, you won't have to claim these charges back, because they may be stopped from imposing high charges in the first place. The average charge at the moment is about £30.

Treasury Minister Ed Balls has, apparently agreed that penalty charges imposed by banks should be no more than the real administrative cost to the bank.

Liberal Democrat Shadow Social Exclusion spokesman, Matthew Taylor said

"Ministers confirmed what we have known all along - that banks, like credit card companies, cannot justify penalty charges for anything above their administrative costs.

" The law says bank charges must be drastically slashed. If the banks postpone reducing their charges until the OFT findings are published, they are clearly ripping off their customers to make billions of pounds in unfair profits.

" Everyone needs to know that their penalty charges are illegal and they should phone their bank to claim them back. The £4.5 billion in penalty charges each year by Britain's top banks is the biggest bank robbery in Britain - against their own customers. It must be stopped."

Stolen bike alert

Please keep your eyes open for a Honda Varadero, stolen from a house near the hospital in Burnley between 4.30-7.30pm on Monday 15 January 2007.

Reg number is PN05 0LU got a top box in black and stickers on it saying http://www.printinginprogress.com and half an 'L' plate on the back!

If you have any info, please leave a comment on this blog and I'll get back to you.

UPDATE - the owner has now got the bike back, and one of his neighbours now has a fatwah on him ...

Grrrrrr!

A couple of weeks ago, I sent off for my student ID card. My application was returned in the post yesterday, with a note saying I'd filled in the wrong form and giving me a link on the website to download a new one.

So I duly went to the website, followed the link and, guess what? It's the same bloody form!

So I rang them, and the girl who answered was unable to explain why my form had been sent back and suggested that I just return it.

To add insult to injury, the form states "Do not staple or glue your photograph to this form", so I carefully paperclipped it. It came back stapled to the form. Gits.

Seasick Steve

I have Grav to thank for this one :o)

Drugs and common sense

There's a petition on the 10 Downing Street website which actually makes sense:

Heroin addicts are known to steal and commit crime to pay for their habits. If the cost of heroin to the addict was reduced to zero by prescribing it on the nhs (subject to counselling) the reduction in expenditure in police time spent due to related offences could be used to offset the cost. It may even be cheaper for the government to do this, and it may also be possible for these heroin addicts to then find suitable employment, through the use of a counselling system, which would enable them to earn money and pay tax. (which could further be used to pay towards the cost of the treatment)

Go on, sign it.

Look out!

Watch and learn.